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Disclaimer:

Breaking Jersey News is a satirical website.  All content contained within it is entirely fictional.  Whilst some of the public figures may be real, all of the stories contained within the site are fictitious.

 

WTF as WMDs in JFTU

WTF as WMDs in JFTU

Local community in shock as Sion is locked down after ‘all necessary constituents for a rudimentary nuclear device’ are discovered in stock at farm supply stores.

Specialist tactical officers moving through Victoria Village

Specialist tactical officers moving through Victoria Village

Farm suppliers JFTU have been closed down after ‘all necessary constituents’ for a rudimentary nuclear device have been found in stock at their outlet in Sion.  Armed counter-terrorism officers from the Metropolitan Police’s elite CO19 division have ring-fenced approximately one square mile of the centre of Jersey after the shock discovery was made by MI5 agents acting on intelligence they claim to have gathered over the last few months. 

Jersey farmer Bob Pinel was arrested at the scene, attempting to leave the premises with what police describe as a ‘frightening arsenal’ of hardware, and is currently being held at Bethnal Green maximum security police station, London. 

‘This is just outrageous!’ claimed his wife, Edith ‘Bob’s been buying his stuff up there for forty years!  What’s the matter with everyone?!  What’s he done wrong?!  When is he coming home?! 

Edith

Edith

What’s all this silly fuss about?!  People keep saying things to me about ‘enrichment’ and ‘Polonium’ and about whether he might be a ‘jihadi sympathiser’'.... Jesus Christ!  He uses polonium for the rats and aluminium tubing for his chutneys.  And as far as being an ‘international bloody terrorist' goes, the man doesn’t even own a passport.’’  

Mike Hammond, senior shift supervisor at the stores told a similar story.  ‘‘Look’’ he said ‘‘It isn’t just a question of turning up here and walking away with whatever you like.  You need a dairy farmers licence for a lot of this stuff.  And how many terrorists do you know with one of those?’’

Local reaction to the police’s handling of the situation has been hostile.  ‘‘We’ve only just been given these damned roads back again’’ said Cynthia Bougeard of Hautes Croix.  ‘‘It’s been about a year and a half I reckon TTS has been digging them up and filling them in again.  ‘Surfacing’ was it?  This is just one more excuse, isn’t it?  Today a ‘nuclear device’.  And tomorrow?  What will it be? - The Arc of the Covenants discovered at Sports Direct?’’

GCHQ, the government spy agency who have thus far been unable to find any footprint of Bob on the internet, made the following statement. ‘We have yet to establish whether Mr Pinel is a lone wolf or forms part of cell.  But we are dealing with a professional here, make no mistake.  So meticulous is this man, we have yet to even find his computer’

Bob, whose case is expected to be put before a high court judge in a secret hearing that will be closed to both the public and the media, is facing life imprisonment without possibility of parole.

 

Jersey Jets appoint Roy Keane as director of netball

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