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Disclaimer:

Breaking Jersey News is a satirical website.  All content contained within it is entirely fictional.  Whilst some of the public figures may be real, all of the stories contained within the site fictitious.

 

Jersey Jets appoint Roy Keane as director of netball

Jersey Jets appoint Roy Keane as director of netball

After dispiriting back-to-back losses to Cumberland and Dudley Leisure, the Jersey Jets board of directors has appointed Roy Keane as their new head of operations.    

Keane

Keane

Despite being lauded by some as a brave appointment and a true statement of intent, the move has been lambasted by others as ‘shocking’, and ‘an awful reflection of the state of gamesmanship today’.   Rumours on social media sites speak of a squad enduring a climate of fear and intimidation, where winning comes at any cost - and where quitting is not an option.

One leisure centre employee, who wished to name anonymous, was damning in his description of the new regime.  ‘‘He has introduced ‘sledging’ into training sessions’ he explained ‘He forces the girls to tease one another if they show signs of pain after a fall.  There is a medicine ball on their changing room floor that has a photograph of Adrian Chiles taped to it.  He makes the girls kick the ball around before they begin training.  He goads them; forces them to be more aggressive.  One girl’s mobile phone went off last time I was up there.  Apparently he locked her in the steam room for over an hour’’    

Guernsey's Sarah Hughes is tackled by the Jets during their 118-0 victory yesterday

Guernsey's Sarah Hughes is tackled by the Jets during their 118-0 victory yesterday

Breaking Jersey News has managed, on a promise of anonymity, to persuade one Jersey Jet to break the code of silence and speak to us about conditions.   ‘’The first thing he did was sign Ulga’’ she explained ‘‘whose great, great aunt was born in St Martyn.  He made her captain, straight away.  Apparently she used to be in a special army unit in Russia.

‘BECKY’

‘BECKY’

She is so angry all the time and shouts at us if we don’t do things right.   It is so difficult to understand her.  Her English is so bad.  She screams at us to play dirty.  We had three players sent off on Saturday.  I just want it all to stop’’

 

Satan discovered in store cupboard at St Peter's garden centre

Satan discovered in store cupboard at St Peter's garden centre

WTF as WMDs in JFTU

WTF as WMDs in JFTU