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Disclaimer:

Breaking Jersey News is a satirical website.  All content contained within it is entirely fictional.  Whilst some of the public figures may be real, all of the stories contained within the site fictitious.

 

Satan discovered in store cupboard at St Peter's garden centre

Satan discovered in store cupboard at St Peter's garden centre

An artist's impression of the Dark Lord

An artist's impression of the Dark Lord

Shoppers ended up with more than they had bargained for yesterday when the very incarnation of evil Himself emerged from a backroom store cupboard at St Peter’s garden centre.  Lyndsey Watson, a part time assistant in the pet shop and the person who found him, told us what happened.  ‘‘I just went out to get some more hamster wheels’’ she said ‘‘and bang!  There he was!  He jumped out from behind some boxes of hay.  I leapt out of my skin I did.’’  Lyndsey went on to describe his appearance.  ‘‘He wasn’t quite what I would have expected’’ she said. ‘‘I mean, he was red, yes, but he had very pronounced eyebrows.  He was slightly larger than I expected too.  I wondered if he might have put on a little weight’’

‘‘He just ran off into the back car park.’’ Lyndsey continued ‘‘He was laughing, as you perhaps might expect, but he did sound a bit wheezy…..like he might have bronchitis or something’’

Max Schnapp, regional manager for Blue Diamond, the parent company of St Peter’s garden centre, gave his reaction this morning.  ‘‘We’ve certainly never had anything like this happen before’ he said ‘We once had an employee in Shepton Mallet who claimed to have been sexually propositioned by a ghost...''  ''It came to nothing''

The store cupboard where the Prince of Darkness had been hiding

The store cupboard where the Prince of Darkness had been hiding

‘‘We’re all very proud of Lyndsey’’ Schnapp went on.  ‘‘She kept her head in what must have been an extremely trying situation.  She could easily have panicked, knocked over breakable goods, knocked over bottles - spilt a nasty cocktail of cleaning products over the floor.  But, once she had got over the initial shock, she just calmly moved to the side and let him pass.  She should be very proud of herself’’

There have been no further sightings since the incident.

Elaine Cullen, a GP at Jersey hospital, gave this response.  ‘‘Dismissing chest issues as ‘just a little cough’’ she said ‘can lead to major problems down the line.  Tickliness, being hoarse, or producing excessive mucus can be indicative of a more serious underlying issue.  We would therefore urge this individual, whomever he is, to come forward.  We are not here to judge’’

However, Judy O’Rierdan, a nurse in triage, was far less amenable to the idea.  ‘‘If he turns up here in the waiting room I’ll give him a piece of my mind.  Taking Barney from us last year was simply unforgivable’’

Anyone sighting a man matching the above description is asked to call Crimestoppers on 0800 555 111.

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