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Breaking Jersey News is a satirical website.  All content contained within it is entirely fictional.  Whilst some of the public figures may be real, all of the stories contained within the site fictitious.

 

Odds slashed on Nettles to be next Bond

Odds slashed on Nettles to be next Bond

Midsomer Murders star set for spectacular call-up, as William Hill slashes odds for the next Bond

Bookmakers William Hill have reduced to all but nothing its odds on the man to take the helm of James Bond after it emerged yesterday that John Nettles was the preferred choice of producer Barbara Broccoli.   Nettles, 72, has come out as front runner against a star-studded shortlist to include Idris Elba, Damien Lewis and Tom Hardy. 

Nettles

Nettles

Nettles, who reportedly narrowly lost out to Jeremy Renner in succeeding Matt Damon to become ‘Jason Bourne’, was spotted lunching in Los Angeles last week with Mila Kunis, who will be starring in Die Tomorrow Yesterday, the next Bond outing after Spectre. 

‘We all saw what he was capable of in Bergerac’ Broccoli said ‘Midsomer Murders has been the ideal petri dish for him.  Anyone who saw the way he wrestled that intruder to the ground in Mangled in the Copse, or incapacitated those assailants with a fire guard in Dying for a Grisly End will know that it would not be months that he would need to work with our stunt choreographers like Daniel, rather, days’.  Asked whether Mr. Nettles would have quite the same presence as Daniel Craig, Broccoli replied somewhat coyly.  ‘I holidayed in Sark last October’ she said.  ‘I saw John emerge from the water and up the sand.  Let’s just say that for those of you out there who enjoyed the beach scene in Casino Royale, you will not be disappointed’

Despite the famous secrecy surrounding the appointment of any new Bond, it seems that Mike Tindrindge, operations manager at Tamba Park, may have been party to inside information, as recent structural amendments may attest to.

The new seventeenth hole at Tamba Park

The new seventeenth hole at Tamba Park

Disgraced minister set to headline wrestling extravaganza

Disgraced minister set to headline wrestling extravaganza

Satan discovered in store cupboard at St Peter's garden centre

Satan discovered in store cupboard at St Peter's garden centre