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Breaking Jersey News is a satirical website.  All content contained within it is entirely fictional.  Whilst some of the public figures may be real, all of the stories contained within the site fictitious.

 

Disgraced minister set to headline wrestling extravaganza

Disgraced minister set to headline wrestling extravaganza

Malcolm Dorey

Malcolm Dorey

Malcom Dorey, deputy minister in the Policy and Resources department from 2006 until his sacking in 2008 under the little known Breton law of 1493, ‘Panne Totale de Faire Quoi Que ce Soit’ (complete failure to do anything whatsoever), will be making a spectacular return to Jersey as ‘Red Tape Garrotte’ in the wrestling bonanza now confirmed to run concurrently with ‘Legends in the Park’ at Howard Davis Park on Sunday July 5th.  

As well as undertaking a six week muscle enhancement programme with Insanity’s Sean T, Mr Dorey has spent the past eight months honing his shouty-voice and growling at the World Wide Wrestlers Form and Finishing Federation (WWWFFF) in Norwich, and will be eager to send a clear message to his civil service detractors.    

Anna Trigg, who has worked with Red Tape Garrotte on his costume, spoke of his pending return. ‘Malcolm has been a joy to work with’ she said ‘and has an incredible flair for colour.’  ‘He handles materials like a seamstress of thirty years and is full of ideas.  The mask was all his.  He is gentleman and has been absolutely amazing with Marmaduke.’’  ‘But’ she added ‘make no mistake about it.  When he is in character and in the zone, he is a going to be a ferocious competitor’ 

Also appearing in the event will be local favourites, The Care Home Warden, and Pony Club Mum, as well as visiting stars from across the globe, including Romanian: Uri ‘Dire Fortune’ Petrescu, Provencal brawler: ‘Lapin Noir’, and Mexican phenomenon: Oscar ‘The Piñatanator’ Mendosa.  The event will also mark the controversial return for Francis ‘Silver back Nightmare’ Durrell, who split the wrestling fraternity down the middle after paralysing Guernsey’s ‘The Ghost of St Peter’ with a monster truck tyre at the ‘‘Slammin’ in the Channel’’ Expression Session at Sark village hall last Easter.  Durrell, famed for his spectacular ring entrances, his pink pigeon side-kick, Ramone, and the urn that he carries containing the ashes of his celebrated grandfather, Gerald, is looking to bolster his claim to be included in the European ‘Titans’ squad competing against a rejuvenated Botswana team in the Solomon Islands Meltdown in November.   

'Silver Back Nightmare'

'Silver Back Nightmare'

Despite the hype surrounding the event there have been angry calls for the date to be changed.   Spandau Ballet, who will be heading the Legends music event are said to be reconsidering their position, amid fears of crowd trouble.  Ray Quinn’s manager, Frank Nubturd, has already threatened legal action having already successfully campaigned for the name of the entertainment event to be changed from ‘Smack-Down in the Park’ to ‘Rumble in the Park’ over what he deemed as ‘serious concerns’ over quite whom the billing might attract.

One islander who certainly will be attending is Kenny Marsh, famed in the eighties as ‘The Real Nettles’, who was forced into a heartbreaking early retirement after rupturing his oesophagus in a freak accident in the legendary WWEWF/WFWWW ‘Bad Canvas’ title unification bout at the Merton Hotel, 1987.

‘The Real Nettles’, choking on the referee’s whistle during his clash with Fijian, ‘Utopian Slaughter’

‘The Real Nettles’, choking on the referee’s whistle during his clash with Fijian, ‘Utopian Slaughter’

Tickets for the showpiece event are available from Seedee John’s, Caribou, and Headway’s town store. 

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