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Breaking Jersey News is a satirical website.  All content contained within it is entirely fictional.  Whilst some of the public figures may be real, all of the stories contained within the site fictitious.

 

Uproar at the geocaching AGM as Jersey founder admits: 'It's all a load of sh*t'

Uproar at the geocaching AGM as Jersey founder admits: 'It's all a load of sh*t'

There was uproar at the Geo-caching governing body’s AGM as founder and Jersey girl Geraldine McGovern admitted: ‘It’s all a load of shit’

Ms. McGovern has left her devotees heartbroken and enraged after announcing at her 2017 Sniffing Out the Goodies convention in Illinois what she really thinks of the pursuit.  There were anguished gasps from all areas of the twenty thousand capacity velodrome when the legendary figurehead described her own invention as ‘a load of shit’.

Ms McGovern stunning the assembly

Ms McGovern stunning the assembly

‘I have people emailing me on a Sunday to tell me that there is a pencil missing from a cache in Leicester’ she explained ‘-ringing to say that there is no note paper in a cache in Verdun.  That a dog has opened the box and bitten the head off a plastic figurine.  That someone had left a teddy with ‘‘real sentimental value’’ and it hadn’t been replaced with anything.  That I.O.U.’s were starting to be used.  That someone found a rotting fish and an abusive message.  That people had been hiding the boxes and callers ‘wanted to see action’.  I have lost count of the amount of pub landlords that have phoned to tell me how sick they are of people poking about in their beer gardens, asking them ridiculous questions about the whereabouts of some disused waterwheel, then using their toilets and leaving.  The new generation coming through now,’ she went on ‘are just using Google Earth’s new ‘Penetration' function, finding the caches from their sofas, then posting abusive messages on the Facebook pages of our registered Cachers’   ‘Well it stops here’

Whilst coming as no real surprise to Mr Tyldsley from Bridgewater, a former Victoria College pupil, the news marks the latest blow in a string of disappointments for the retired care worker.  ‘I got into Laser Quest’ he explains ‘Then everyone gave up.  I got into ten pin bowling.  Everyone gave up.  I bought soda streams and Mr Frosties for my kids.  That was a disaster.  I bought Mini-disk players.  I bought Crocs, started listening to Hamfatta.'  'I bought shares in Global Hyper-colour.  I own three Sinclair C5’s for goodness sakes…..’ Mr Tyldsley took a moment to compose himself  ‘After I first went geocaching’ he said ‘I was hooked.  I bought a GPS unit for myself.  For my wife.  A bought one for my girl.  I bought a spare.  I bought flasks.  CB radios.  Waterproof sleeves for our journals and our tick lists and our birdwatching log…. And now this’

Mr Tyldsley in Leicester Square this morning

Mr Tyldsley in Leicester Square this morning

The ramifications of Ms. McGovern’s statement were today addressed by Andy Millbrook, chief constable of Birmingham police force.  ‘Whilst we recognize that people have every right to access public areas' he said 'we won’t be too sorry if geocaching disappears from daily life altogether.’  ‘I myself have been called to the Order of St Paul’s monastery on the outskirts of the city after a couple in all-weather gear were seen scaling the bell tower.  On Good Friday.'  'We were called to a Mosque in Solihul after a woman in a bikini was found attempting to access the Imam’s private quarters with a Spiderman lunchbox full of trinkets.'  'And in age where security is such a concern’ he continued ‘we cannot reasonably allow anything that threatens the normal functioning of our daily lives.  I had to evacuate a five hundred meter diameter around a wheelie bin at the rear of Pizza Express last month.  The bomb squad then detonated the ‘mysterious Tupperware vessel’ - containing, what we now know to have been, a Jamie Oliver ‘Flavour Shaker’, a Crabtree and Evelyn scented candle, a copy of The Talented Mr Ripley and a Buzz Lightyear helmet.

Despite police optimism on the likely fall in popularity of the pursuit, some defense think-tanks paint a far gloomier picture. Professor Anthony Morley of the Royal United Services Institute explains.  ‘Ms McGovern’s announcement may very well prove the spark that ignites the metaphorical tinderbox.  Until yesterday, global communities of hide-and-seek style ‘cache’ activities were stable.  Not everyone was happy with the administrative structure, but it had gravitas.  Now, things have been blown wide open.  Ms. McGovern’s stepping down has created a vacuum that power hungry organisations are desperate to fill. 

News of events in Illinois reaches Islamabad

News of events in Illinois reaches Islamabad

What we are potentially looking at’ Mr Morley continued ‘is a situation similar to when the Americans decided to disband the Iraqi army after toppling Saddam.  Fighting for prominence now are the ‘Stash and Dashers’, the ‘GPS Kings’, the  ‘Bounty Banshees’, the ‘Stone Turners’, ‘Loglifters’ and the ‘Hoard Sniffers’ - complex organisations, that we know very little of, with conflicting ideologies, that we fear may resort to sectarian warfare in their struggle for prominence. 

 

Ministers flounder as Jersey’s first humpback whale lodges Freedom of Information request over island’s nitrate levels

Ministers flounder as Jersey’s first humpback whale lodges Freedom of Information request over island’s nitrate levels

'Thar she blows!'  La Fregate cafe to be turned the other way up

'Thar she blows!' La Fregate cafe to be turned the other way up