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Disclaimer:

Breaking Jersey News is a satirical website.  All content contained within it is entirely fictional.  Whilst some of the public figures may be real, all of the stories contained within the site fictitious.

 

Ministers flounder as Jersey’s first humpback whale lodges Freedom of Information request over island’s nitrate levels

Ministers flounder as Jersey’s first humpback whale lodges Freedom of Information request over island’s nitrate levels

In what has seriously shaken Jersey’s political establishment, Edward Marlow, the 34-tonne humpback whale, and first such visitor to Jersey’s waters, has defied all expectations by coming ashore at the Albert Pier slip yesterday afternoon and lodging a Freedom of Information request for all details ‘pertaining and relevant to’ nitrate discharge into all Jersey water courses and coastal areas.

Mr Marlow, acknowledging well-wishers gathered at the lifeboat cafe

Mr Marlow, acknowledging well-wishers gathered at the lifeboat cafe

As fears of a potential cover-up grow, government departments are said to have been ‘blindsided’ by the application, and are frantically attempting to piece together some sort of response.

   
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    Tense scenes in the States Chambers last night as an emergency meeting of ministers thrash out a response to Mr Marlow’s request

Tense scenes in the States Chambers last night as an emergency meeting of ministers thrash out a response to Mr Marlow’s request

‘What you are seeing today,’ Mr Marlow said, speaking on the steps of the Royal Court this morning, ‘isn’t about me.  It isn’t about my species.’  ‘It is about accountability.  It is about standing up for what is decent, and for what is true.  When my children ask me why they have to swim through sea lettuce to get to school every morning, what do I tell them?  When my children ask me how it is possible that sea lettuce has crossed the Atlantic and is getting clogged in their blow holes…. What do I say?’  ‘I wouldn’t be here today’ he continued ‘were it not for the support of my wife, and for the many friends who have made today possible.’  ‘I would like also to say a special thank you to Bruce Dickinson from Iron Maiden, who has agreed to cover my repatriation costs.’  ‘You did it for Terri, Bruce, and now you’re doing it for me.’  ‘My heart goes out to you’

 

   
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   Mr Marlow, holidaying in the Azores last year with wife, Lynda (top), and children (from left), Monica, Denise and Leeroy

Mr Marlow, holidaying in the Azores last year with wife, Lynda (top), and children (from left), Monica, Denise and Leeroy

Breaking Jersey News telephoned Mr Dickinson this afternoon.  He confessed that whilst his band’s repatriation of Terri the turtle to the Canary Islands in January last year had been carried out purely for a love of wildlife, they had subsequently benefitted greatly from the episode, after going on to pen multi-platinum hits ‘Washed up stiff’, ‘Cold blood, hot lovin'’ and ‘Nightcrawlin’ baby’.

A commemorative wreath has been put together by the Société Jersiase, which is to be hurled into the sea off La Rocco tower as Edward’s cargo plane departs tomorrow afternoon.  Members of the public are invited to attend, with mulled wine and mince pies to be served at La Braye café afterwards.

 

Asian hornet snatch-team kidnaps Bailiff!

Asian hornet snatch-team kidnaps Bailiff!

Uproar at the geocaching AGM as Jersey founder admits: 'It's all a load of sh*t'

Uproar at the geocaching AGM as Jersey founder admits: 'It's all a load of sh*t'