IMG_6865.JPG

Hot stories.  Hot action.  Hot nonsense.  

Disclaimer:

Breaking Jersey News is a satirical website.  All content contained within it is entirely fictional.  Whilst some of the public figures may be real, all of the stories contained within the site are fictitious.

 

Unprecedented public outcry as first images of new hospital released

Unprecedented public outcry as first images of new hospital released

‘Numerous’ disturbances at States’ offices reported, as anger and disbelief boils over at the going ahead of radical new £450 million-pound care facility  

Ministers are appealing for calm after Sir Tim Smit, the founder of the Eden Project in Cornwall, was yesterday given the green light to press ahead with his ‘revolutionary’ new hospital, which he claims will solve the ‘ongoing conundrum of Jerseys healthcare crisis’

The plans put forward by Sir Tim will see the new hospital housed within a 450 metre by 100 metre bio-dome, and have its various departments set amongst rainforests, fruit trees, waterfalls and endangered birds.

The new Eden Hospital 

The new Eden Hospital 

‘This is a game-changer’ said Sir Tim, glowing after receiving confirmation ‘This is going to be the largest indoor rainforest in the world, and also the only functioning hospital within one.’  ‘I want to see a musty old hospital turned into a cradle of life.  I want to see breeze blocks and dado rails substituted for bamboo, monkeys and a view of the stars.  I want to change peoples’ perceptions of what it means to be sick.’  ‘Do you know?’ he said ‘You, the States, have been paying a panel of experts about £1400 a day, for each member, to advise on this issue.  That’s £210,000 a week.  Since June 2016.  Now that this is approved, do you realise how many rubber trees and cockatiels that will get us?!’

We spoke this morning with chief minister Gorst, who was equally as buoyant.  ‘As well as hosting speakers and charity events’ he told us ‘the scale of the development is going to be such, that we are exploring the possibility of incorporating zip-wires and canopy walks, as well as turning our own medical waste into our own high grade compost from the hospital’s incinerator.’  ‘I think that the waterfalls and the totem carvings and the Shamanic wall paintings and the bright colours are really going to lift patients’ outlooks on their future prospects as a whole’  "And this is on top of the musicals we are now showing at our existing A & E to help smooth this whole transition 

   
   96 
  
    
  
   Normal 
   0 
   
   
   
   
   false 
   false 
   false 
   
   EN-GB 
   X-NONE 
   X-NONE 
   
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
   
   
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
  
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
  
   
 
 /* Style Definitions */
table.MsoNormalTable
	{mso-style-name:"Table Normal";
	mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0;
	mso-tstyle-colband-size:0;
	mso-style-noshow:yes;
	mso-style-priority:99;
	mso-style-parent:"";
	mso-padding-alt:0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt;
	mso-para-margin:0in;
	mso-para-margin-bottom:.0001pt;
	mso-pagination:widow-orphan;
	font-size:12.0pt;
	font-family:Calibri;
	mso-ascii-font-family:Calibri;
	mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin;
	mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri;
	mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin;
	mso-fareast-language:EN-US;}
 
    Education parties and guided tours will operate alongside the provision of healthcare 

Education parties and guided tours will operate alongside the provision of healthcare 

And senator Gorst is not alone in this optimism, as a recent study indicates:

        ''Even allowing for insects, post-operative patients beginning recuperation in a naturally lit, well-oxygenated environment, within a consistently maintained subtropical climate, can expect to recover at a rate somewhere between 56 and 78% faster than those in conventional after-care surroundings'' -  Diane Horstgruber, General Medical Council 

‘As well as providing state-of-the-art care for the people of Jersey’ minister Gorst said ‘we are also going to be producing our own oxygen, cocoa, bananas and palm oil - that we will be pumping back in to the local economy.’  ‘This!’ he exclaimed wildly, slamming his hand down on the architects’ drawings ‘is going to be the only man-made structure visible from the whole of the other Channel Islands!’  ‘And to the haters….’ he said ‘let’s see where they are when they realise we’ll save fifteen grand a year on lightbulbs!’ 

Harry and Meghan: their secret Jersey marriage planning

Harry and Meghan: their secret Jersey marriage planning

World’s Strongest Man 2017 gets underway at Fort Regent

World’s Strongest Man 2017 gets underway at Fort Regent