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Breaking Jersey News is a satirical website.  All content contained within it is entirely fictional.  Whilst some of the public figures may be real, all of the stories contained within the site fictitious.

 

States get tough on Gulliver: military called in

States get tough on Gulliver: military called in

‘The time for dialogue is over’ says Home Affairs minister Kristina Moore, as US missile defence system is shipped in to combat rogue seagull

Not since the marking of Liberation Day as a public holiday has there been such unilateral support for a States’ policy as when it was announced last week that the required funds would be taken from the public purse to take the ‘drastic but necessary’ action to tackle the feathered scourge ‘Gulliver’, running amok along the west coast of the island.

Arriving on the ferry on Saturday were four batteries of the jewel in the crown of US Homeland Security, the THAAD (Terminal High Altitude Area Defence) missile system. 

‘Whilst designed to shoot down short, medium and intermediate range ballistic missiles’ explained Lt Col. Chester Drummond, ‘we are confident in its ability to engage other, smaller, more nimble targets – which may otherwise evade conventional radar or tracking capabilities’

   
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    A successful test fire of the THAAD missile defence system took place yesterday morning at Les Landes, neutralising a partridge at 11,000 feet

A successful test fire of the THAAD missile defence system took place yesterday morning at Les Landes, neutralising a partridge at 11,000 feet

In an emotional address in the States Chambers this morning, Mrs Moore gave what many are describing as her finest hour.

‘He stole sandwiches:’ she said ‘we tried to shoo him away.’  ‘He flapped at walkers.  We showed leniency.’  ‘He snatched beef burgers: we threw pebbles in his direction.’  ‘When he pecked heads, stole hats, we tried sonic pulses.’  ‘When he bit Miss St Saviour, we tried catapults.’  ‘As the attacks have intensified, we’ve tried stun grenades and water cannons and sticks and laser pens….’  ‘We’ve even tried Tesco crab sticks.’  ‘And we’ve got nowhere.’  ‘Today’ she said, ‘it ends.’  ‘We will fight him on the beaches.  We will fight him in the fields and in the streets.  We will fight him in the hills.  And we shall never surrender’

Mrs Moore was given a rapturous standing ovation as she left the Chambers.  And she then went for lunch at Sirocco.

Despite the island-wide euphoria, defence think-tanks in the UK have expressed ‘grave concerns’ that the deployment of missile launchers at Noirmont, Corbiere, Grantez and Les Landes, will prove an irreversible provocation to Guernsey, who, by then countering Jersey’s measures as a means of deterring any possible future attack, will set in motion a disastrous arms race that may destabilise the whole of the West.

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