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Breaking Jersey News is a satirical website.  All content contained within it is entirely fictional.  Whilst some of the public figures may be real, all of the stories contained within the site are fictitious.

 

Ouaisné Christmas bloodbath: Gulliver's grisly vengeance

Ouaisné Christmas bloodbath: Gulliver's grisly vengeance

Festive swimmers targeted in ‘sustained’ attack by rogue seagull

There were scenes of carnage across the whole of St Brelade’s bay this morning when rogue seagull ‘Gulliver’ launched what emergency services are describing as a ‘sustained and merciless’ attack on Christmas Day swimmers who had entered the water together at Ouaisné for the annual Jersey Hospice plunge.

Paramedics were incapable of reaching stricken bathers for as long as one hour in some instances, after the one road down to Ouaisné had been gridlocked by vehicles attempting to beat-the-crowds from as early as 8:00am the previous day.

Shortly after 10:30am when the brave revellers had entered the water, ‘Gulliver’ swooped over the headland at Portlet common, then plunged downward over the former Beach House restaurant, and straight at the swimmers closest to the shore, blocking the escape route of those further out.  

What followed was an onslaught of such ferocity and relentlessness, it reduced many onlookers to tears.  Injuries sustained by bathers ranged from pecked ears and noses, to pulled hair and feathers in eyes, to wrist and ankle sprains, to whiplash, lacerations, broken teeth, and in one case, death.

   
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    Fearless bathers form a human chain to protect Hautlieu student, Geraint Jackson 

Fearless bathers form a human chain to protect Hautlieu student, Geraint Jackson 

Sidney Le Brocq, a retired mechanic from Devil’s Hole, was rushed by air ambulance to Southampton’s Royal Infirmary after being struck in the throat by a wing.  He later died from complications during surgery. 

With only small numbers of paramedics able to get to the scene, by helicopter only, and with no assistance from the sea being available - after the RNLI had dashed to the marina, only to find that their inshore lifeboat had been stolen, and the locks had been changed to their kayak shed, it had been necessary for quick thinking locals to establish a field hospital in Kismet Kabana beach café, where what medical assistance there was at hand, did their best to administer triage to the worst of the victims. 

‘What we have witnessed here today’ said Jersey Fire Service’s Tara Richmond, as the last of the bathers were rushed from the shore ‘will send shock waves around the island.  Not since woolly mammoth were driven off the cliffs here above us has there been such a calculated assault on an island’s inhabitants.’  ‘This was organised.  It was ruthless.  And it was on innocent people, at the very start of their holidays.  This was designed to have the maximum impact on us, and to make us alter the way we live our lives’  ‘I hope Chris Packham is watching’ she said ‘This should never have been allowed to happen’

 

The scene at low tide this afternoon 

The scene at low tide this afternoon 

And Captain Richmond is not alone.  There has been anger over what many have branded the States’ sluggishness to act on the issue of Gulliver, after delaying - right up until last week, its decision to finally invest in the THAAD (Terminal High Altitude Area Defence) United States’ missile system, that it was assured to islanders would finally rid us of the militant sea bird, but has yet failed to do so. 

‘How many more people are going to die?’ Demanded Smugglers’ Inn glass collector Zeena Tudy, ‘How many more children will be dragged into the surf by their hair?'  'When will it end?’

Concerned relatives are invited to call the Gulliver incident room on: 742349

 

 

 

Hogmanay massacre: cabbies and Jersey Lifts fight to the death

Hogmanay massacre: cabbies and Jersey Lifts fight to the death

States get tough on Gulliver: military called in

States get tough on Gulliver: military called in