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Breaking Jersey News is a satirical website.  All content contained within it is entirely fictional.  Whilst some of the public figures may be real, all of the stories contained within the site are fictitious.

 

Jersey Horror Maze teams up with Dancing on Ice

Jersey Horror Maze teams up with Dancing on Ice

Anticipation builds as award-winning scare attraction signs partnership with Bracken’s ice spectacle

 

Kyran Bracken MBE

Kyran Bracken MBE

Shoppers descending on St Helier this Christmas will no doubt have one extra thing on their lists, after the Jersey Horror Maze announced today that it had teamed up with Kyran Bracken’s Dancing on Ice, to provide a 'unique new interactive experience’ in the heart of the Channel Islands.

‘Doctor Uzebeki’s Sanitorium’ will be a two thousand square meter marquee, modelled on a nineteenth century Siberian asylum for the criminally insane.  The vast attraction will be built atop a state-of-the-art ice rink, that is to be constructed around the existing war memorials, and which will fill almost the whole of Liberation Square.

 

Cast member Craig Dearlove

Cast member Craig Dearlove

Dave Barber, commercial director of Secrets Beneath, the operators of the Jersey Horror Maze, explained the new attraction.  ‘Once members of the public have been fitted with skates, groups of up to eighteen at a time will enter through the perimeter fence and into Dr Uzebeki’s Sanitorium.  In the darkness and in the smoke, and in the stench of rotting meat, they must work together to free themselves from a series of locked rooms, through a labyrinth of corridors and dead ends, through the lobotomy theatre, and, if all goes well, back out into town just outside Unawatuna - having evaded any one of the hundred or so deranged inmates stalking them through the shadows’

Despite all the excitement, not all residents have reacted positively.  “Is this some sort of joke?’ demanded Jonty Sessions, duty manager at Wildfire.  ‘Every week now we seem to be having some sort of soup workshop, or craft fayre, or grotto, or what-not.  When can we just have a normal square?  Where people can sit, and walk, and all the other things that normal people do?  I’ve had it up to here with all this fancy stuff.  How are we supposed to get any trade with all these zombies and serial killers whizzing about outside?’  ‘…..And don’t even start me on that wretched petanque crowd’    

Due for completion on December 10th, the attraction will be opened by Simon Crowcroft and visiting guest Dame Maggie Smith, who it is believed has funded the enterprise after being left ‘bewitched and tingly’ after dressing up for her role as Professor Minerva McGonagail in the Harry Potter franchise.

 

'In the Night Garden' slammed over marginalisation of Pontipines

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Harry and Meghan to wed in Jersey!

Harry and Meghan to wed in Jersey!