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Hot stories.  Hot action.  Hot nonsense.  

Disclaimer:

Breaking Jersey News is a satirical website.  All content contained within it is entirely fictional.  Whilst some of the public figures may be real, all of the stories contained within the site are fictitious.

 

Traders' fury as 'infantile' graffiti artist defaces island storefronts

Traders' fury as 'infantile' graffiti artist defaces island storefronts

Furious business owners left scratching their heads as rogue graffiti vandal wreaks mayhem across the island

   
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    Early strollers along the front yesterday, oblivious to the outrage

Early strollers along the front yesterday, oblivious to the outrage

There has been widespread condemnation this morning of the individual, or individuals whom were responsible for three attacks on local businesses in the small hours of yesterday morning.  The sign-work of Pizza Express at St Brelade, Natwest Bank in St Helier, and Sandpiper’s Food Hall on Snow Hill were defaced by a person or persons who are still at large. 

   
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    Shoppers were clearly staying away this morning 

Shoppers were clearly staying away this morning 

Brian Masterton, a States of Jersey traffic warden since 1971, spoke to the Breaking Jersey News team at the scene of the Snow Hill incident.  ‘‘What is wrong with this man?!’’  ‘‘I mean, I’m assuming it’s a man…. I suppose you never know, these days.  But how sad do you have to be?!  They’re obviously some sort of pervert’’ Mr Masterton sighed ‘’But do you know?’’ he said, passing his fingers over his beard ‘‘I actually saw people laughing as they walked past and looked up at it’  ‘…Laughing.’  ‘Several people in fact.  And I’m not talking about kids either.  Men and women.  In smart work clothes.’’  ‘‘What’s wrong with people?’’

The assailant, whom some are already branding ‘Spanksy’, due to the sexually themed nature of his brand of graffiti, struck the town centre Food Hall somewhere between the hours of 01:00 and 02:00, then struck Natwest Bank, then hit St Brelade’s Pizza Express somewhere between 03:30 and 04:30.  

Library Place, St Helier branch

Library Place, St Helier branch

Detective inspector Keith Honeydew gave the following statement to the media on the beachfront at St Brelade this afternoon.  ‘We need to catch this individual.  And catch them quickly.  Damage to property is a serious offence, and we would urge any members of the public who think they may have seen anything; anyone who was out walking dogs; anyone who knows someone who left home around midnight yesterday with a step ladder and some canisters, to please contact our incident desk, without hesitation, on 612612’’

 

World’s Strongest Man 2017 gets underway at Fort Regent

World’s Strongest Man 2017 gets underway at Fort Regent

Jersey's stunning new lifeboat arrives in St Helier

Jersey's stunning new lifeboat arrives in St Helier