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Breaking Jersey News is a satirical website.  All content contained within it is entirely fictional.  Whilst some of the public figures may be real, all of the stories contained within the site fictitious.

 

Phantom of the Opera House: Gulliver spotted stealing through the rafters at Dick Whittington

Phantom of the Opera House: Gulliver spotted stealing through the rafters at Dick Whittington

Fears for missing leading lady Christine Le Brun grow, as audience members report seeing ‘suspiciously acting white bird’ moving through the shadows at St Helier pantomime

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Police are appealing for information after leading lady Christine Le Brun was reported missing late yesterday evening after failing to return home from her performance in Dick Whittington at the Opera House.

Forensic teams and divers began searching this morning the vast network of tunnels and catacombs interlacing the ground beneath the venue.    

   
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    Into the catacombs: unconfirmed reports suggest that a lipstick smeared feather and a silver amulet were found by police at the foot of rocks disappearing into the darkness 

Into the catacombs: unconfirmed reports suggest that a lipstick smeared feather and a silver amulet were found by police at the foot of rocks disappearing into the darkness 

Gulliver, who it is believed sustained facial injuries from the most recent failed missile attack by the States of Jersey, is wanted in connection with a spate of thefts and assaults on west facing beaches, as well as for the now infamous Christmas Day Ouaisné beach attack, in which retired Devil’s Hole mechanic Sidney Le Brocq died after being struck in the throat by a wing.

We managed to track down one of the audience-goers from yesterday’s showing.  ‘We were about twenty minutes into the second act’ explained Tamsin Schluff ‘I was just finishing my tub of ice cream.  I wasn’t sure what was happening on the stage.  All of sudden I noticed a flash of light high up near the roof.  I saw a ruffle of curtain.  Some dust flecks twinkle down through the darkness.  Then, there it was.  A white face.  In a hat.  A mask.  It was him alright.  Gulliver.  It was Gulliver in a cape.  And as quickly as he had appeared, he was gone.  Gone into the night.’  Mrs Schluff sighed.  ‘I wonder if that’s where she is?’ she said ‘The leading lady: down in the catacombs?’  ‘I do hope she’s okay.’  ‘It’s just….  It’s just…. so romantic.’  ‘Whisked away to a secret lair.  Far away from everybody and everything.’  ‘…The Goose on the Green.  That’s where my husband managed for my last birthday’

Maureen Greenslade, chair of the Jersey Amateur Dramatics Club, reacted furiously to claims on social media that sightings of Gulliver at the pantomime amounted to nothing more than a cheap publicity stunt.

‘How dare people?!’ she snapped ‘Do you really think we would kidnap our own leading lady for a few headlines?!  A few extra bums on seats?!  Just to grab the attention of the world’s newspapers and acting agents and casting directors?!  Of course not!  We would never stoop so low.  And besides, have you seen our company?  There’s no way anyone on our books could climb up amongst those roof beams.  We have to draft in handymen to help us with our Willy Wonka props’

Anyone with any further information, or anyone with any knowledge of the catacombs or interconnecting Nazi war tunnels, is urged to call Crimestoppers on 0800 555 111.  

 

 

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