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Breaking Jersey News is a satirical website.  All content contained within it is entirely fictional.  Whilst some of the public figures may be real, all of the stories contained within the site are fictitious.

 

Rozel manor scandal: promotional kangaroo in Australia Day breakout

Rozel manor scandal: promotional kangaroo in Australia Day breakout

St Helier on lockdown after 150kg adult male tears free from handlers at Rozel Manor and heads for the capital

There is anger and uncertainty across St Helier and in neighbouring parishes today as members of the public are told to remain inside after a mature adult kangaroo escaped from his handlers at Rozel Manor last night and disappeared into surrounding woodlands.  

‘This is an unprecedented incident’ said detective inspector Keith Honeydew this morning ‘We urge members of the public, that, under no circumstances are they to attempt to approach Ludwig, or to offer him food or treats etc.  Until such time as he is detained by authorities, we ask all residents of St Helier to remain calm, and to remain indoors’

Barclays Wealth Management had organised the event to celebrate Australia Day and to raise money for Help for Heroes.  The running of festivities themselves had been left to Stellar Promotions, a UK based company who had arranged the running order, staff and props.

We spoke to Gershwin Van Schroot, CEO of Barclays Wealth in the Channel Islands. ‘It’s not’ he said ‘that we’re attempting to put as much distance between ourselves and Stellar Promotions as we can, but the sole responsibility for this dreadful incident lies with them.  They had all the certificates and paperwork and stuff.  Loads of it.  Inoculations and all that.  I checked with legal’

 

Ludwig, photographed hiding behind wheelie bins at the White Horse

Ludwig, photographed hiding behind wheelie bins at the White Horse

Paul O’Grady, who was compering the event, spoke to us from his suite at the Norfolk hotel this morning.  ‘The night was really going with a swing’ he said ‘It was buzzing up there.  They had trained the kangaroos to start popping balloons at midnight.  They began doing that: bouncing around on stage - and everyone was cheering, but when the indoor fireworks began going off, one of them just seemed to get a bit more excited than the other three.  Some guys from backstage ran on… and they were all smiling and clapping along to the music, but they were definitely preoccupied with something, and seemed to be keen to get this harness thing around his neck.  I don’t think anyone in the crowd had even noticed.  They all thought it was part of the act.  It was only when it kicked the saxophonist through the Tim-Tam sculpture that people started realising that something mightn’t be right’

Mr O'Grady, checking in to the Norfolk on the morning of Australia Day

Mr O'Grady, checking in to the Norfolk on the morning of Australia Day

‘You’ll know him when you see him’ explained Gerry Dunstable, head of Stellar Promotions’ animal welfare division ‘He has a scar under his left eye.’  ‘I know that this whole thing is a joke to some people.  But I tell you this: I know a mango farmer outside Wollongong who was disembowelled by one of these guys.  A smaller one than Ludwig too.  Ha-de-ha.  Yeah?’

Anyone who thinks they might have seen Ludwig, or has any information as to his whereabouts, is asked to call the police’s incident room on 617765.

 

Vigilantes in reprisal attack on convicted fly-tipper

Vigilantes in reprisal attack on convicted fly-tipper

Working lunch: Mr Roman Abramovich on life, Jersey and battered haggis

Working lunch: Mr Roman Abramovich on life, Jersey and battered haggis