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Disclaimer:

Breaking Jersey News is a satirical website.  All content contained within it is entirely fictional.  Whilst some of the public figures may be real, all of the stories contained within the site fictitious.

 

Vigilantes in reprisal attack on convicted fly-tipper

Vigilantes in reprisal attack on convicted fly-tipper

Group announcing itself as the ‘Jersey Justice League’ dumps seven and a half tonnes of rubbish on the doorstep of convicted felon

Police have appealed for calm today after great swathes of the island made their way to the Royal Square this afternoon to demonstrate their solidarity with a group claiming itself to be the ‘Jersey Justice League’.

Sometime in the small hours of this morning, a large high-sided lorry reversed onto the front drive of Mr. Gareth Sneddon, and unloaded what experts are estimating to be nearly eight tonnes of domestic refuse onto the brickwork.  Mr Sneddon, who was convicted last October of fly-tipping carpet rolls, leaking paint tins and a malfunctioning Dyson vacuum cleaner in some shrubbery at Val de La Mare reservoir, was asleep at the time, and only realised what had happened when he got up at 06:30am to beat his children. 

   
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    On the right, 26 Bixby Villas, St Helier, home of Mr Gareth Sneddon 

On the right, 26 Bixby Villas, St Helier, home of Mr Gareth Sneddon 

‘We do not’ explained detective constable Racheal Groves ‘under any circumstances condone what has happened.  We urge members of the public to never ‘‘take matters into their own hands’’, and to allow the police and judicial system to run its proper course’

However, a crowdfunding site launched today, entitled: ‘Sneddon got what he deserved.  Let’s kick some more ass’ had, by one o’clock this afternoon, raised £3.4million pounds in pledged donations.   

Breaking Jersey News managed to speak to ‘Eddie’ of the Justice League, at a safe-house on the south coast.  ‘We’ve had enough’ he said ‘They’ll be no more oil drums on the footpaths.  No more window frames in the woods.  No more bikes in the streams, and no more fridges and washing machines on the sand dunes.  It ends here.  The Justice League is ready to take vengeance.’  ‘And let it be known!’ he bellowed ‘when the message has finally sunk in, we’re going to stamp down on the dog shit’

   
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    ‘Eddie’ and the Justice League: ready to take vengeance

‘Eddie’ and the Justice League: ready to take vengeance

Not everyone is so buoyant though.  ‘I’m all for a bit of justice’ explained Mrs Finch, of 25 Bixby Villas ‘but my daughter had to wade through all this mess just to get to school this morning.  She cut her leg on a tin of tuna fish.  She then got there late, where everyone teased her and called her ‘Captain Birdseye’ for the rest of the day.  Where’s the justice in that?!’  ‘And besides: when is all this shit going to get taken away again?’

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