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Disclaimer:

Breaking Jersey News is a satirical website.  All content contained within it is entirely fictional.  Whilst some of the public figures may be real, all of the stories contained within the site are fictitious.

 

Horror in St Clement: Jersey Post’s new robot operative in brutal garden attack

Horror in St Clement: Jersey Post’s new robot operative in brutal garden attack

Shock and fury as ‘state-of-the-art’ new android postman critically injures prize-winning beagle with croquet mallet

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There is huge embarrassment at the island’s licenced service provider of mail, after its flagship new postman ‘Roy’ attacked with a croquet mallet the beloved pet, Rivaldo, of Mr. Richard and Iris Franklin in the garden of their idyllic St Clement coastal property.

At around 10:20am, ‘Roy’, one of four prototype postal-workers dispatched in Five Oaks, Maufant and St Clement, had been successfully delivery mail for one hour and ten minutes before the incident occurred.

According to Mr and Mrs Franklin’s son, Stephen, who witnessed the attack, Roy had delivered three envelopes to the house, and had been making his way down the veranda, when he caught Rivaldo by surprise, who had been napping under a bench.  It was when Rivaldo attempted to bite the ankle of Roy, that the robot lunged for the croquet mallet.  After a brief altercation on the lawn, Rivaldo was struck twice by the mallet, and Roy fled the grounds.

Breaking Jersey News visited the scene.  ‘I’m not in the least bit surprised’ said neighbour Marjorie White ‘I saw it come tottering up our drive about ten minutes earlier.  I was in the garage.  Like a drunk, it was.  It went clattering up to our post box and started bumping its metal fingers against the flap: Chink!  Chink!  Chink!  Started getting angry it did - when it couldn’t lift it! ...Angry!  Anyway, it carried on with all this chinking and clattering for a few minutes, then all of sudden, it kicked the bottom of the door and hurled our letter onto the lawn.  I couldn’t believe it.  No ‘hello’.  No greeting.  Nothing.’  ‘If that’s its attitude now’ she said ‘whatever will it be like when it’s done a full winter?’

   
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    Richard and Iris Franklin have promised to leave ‘no stone unturned’ in their quest for the truth 

Richard and Iris Franklin have promised to leave ‘no stone unturned’ in their quest for the truth 

It is understood that immediately after an urgent recall went out from Jersey Post’s head office on Rue des Pres, snatch-teams were spotted bundling the contraptions into the backs of unmarked white Ford Transit vans.  We asked Jersey Post’s chief operating officer, Gertz Schlappenlik, whether rumours that this shadowy division was comprised of former military  black-ops agents was true.  ‘I cannot’ Mr Schlappenlik said, ‘comment on that.  But what I can say - and please let’s be clear on this -  is that this was a retaliatory strike, and whilst we by no means condone this incident, we would ask, moving forward, that the community not be too quick to draw conclusions on what is a thrilling time for mail delivery in Jersey and wider world’

Whilst there are already calls for the £6.8 million-pound machine to be axed, and for there to a formal public enquiry undertaken, many fear that such demands will amount to nothing, after it went public last week that General Electric had recently bought a 51% stake in Jersey Post.  Insiders claim that the American manufacturing giant - which specialises in computer and electrical technology, including missile guidance systems, drone chips, and Artificial Intelligence, have already established a stranglehold on States policy, so any attempt to check them will be thwarted by powerful industry lobbyists.

Union bosses are said privately to be delighted at the attack, and have been accused by senior management at Jersey Post of ‘dining out on the carcass of poor Rivaldo’ in their recent addresses to members, ‘despite there still being every chance of him making a full and happy recovery’

 

Phantom of the Opera House: Gulliver spotted stealing through the rafters at Dick Whittington

Phantom of the Opera House: Gulliver spotted stealing through the rafters at Dick Whittington

Hogmanay massacre: cabbies and Jersey Lifts fight to the death

Hogmanay massacre: cabbies and Jersey Lifts fight to the death