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Breaking Jersey News is a satirical website.  All content contained within it is entirely fictional.  Whilst some of the public figures may be real, all of the stories contained within the site fictitious.

 

Barry Manilow to headline the cider festival!

Barry Manilow to headline the cider festival!

Jubilant scenes on the streets of the capitol as icon confirms showstopper billing 

There are heads held high at Jersey Heritage today after the shock announcement this morning that heart-throb and legendary crooner Barry Manilow will be headlining La Fais'sie d'Cidre at Hamptonne Country life museum on Saturday 20th October.

The capturing of the multi-platinum selling artist represents a major coup for the organisation, after they were left licking their wounds this August after narrowly missing out on the Keith and Orville Farewell Tour scheduled for Elizabeth Castle on the Bank Holiday weekend.

Mr Manilow first developed an affinity with the Bailiwick when he worked as a kitchen porter at the Emeraude Hotel (picture circa 1926)

Mr Manilow first developed an affinity with the Bailiwick when he worked as a kitchen porter at the Emeraude Hotel (picture circa 1926)

As well as classics from his back-catalogue, Manilow will be performing songs from his new album ‘Polyester Jumper, Kashmir Smile’, a compilation he reportedly wrote and produced in just three days after attending last year’s annual festival as a guest of honour for La Robeline sausages.  

  

Polyester Jumper, Kashmir Smile

Faire Monter L'aubaine - (Upping the windfall)

Peau Amère, Douces Promesses – (Bitter skin, sweet promises)

Coeur dans une Mousseline – (Heart in a muslin)

Goût de Toi – (Taste of You)

Retrait des Gencives – (Drawing back the gums)

Fureur dans ma Bouche – (Fury in my mouth)

Sourire de Trou de Ver – (Worm hole smile)

Vinaigre Pour Moi – (Vinegar to me)

Doublement du Nouveau – (Doubling over again)

Cyanure de Base – (Core cyanide)

Long Chemin vers Somerset – (Long road to Somerset)

Cheval autour de Vous – (Horse around with you)

Baisers de Reflux – (Reflux kisses)

Presse Froide, Fermentation Chaude – (Cold press, hot ferment) 

Mauvais Branlante – (Bad bobbing)

Crapaud dans le Baril – (Toad in the barrel) 

Honte de Tout Cela – (Shame of it all)

 

Not everyone is thrilled at the new billing however.  ‘Is this some sort of joke?!’ asked Dave Richards, lead pan-piper for the Badlabeques.  ‘His album isn’t even in Jèrriais!  It’s just French!  Bad French at that.  We’ve been shunted down the running order for Barry Manilow singing French?  Shameless opportunism, that’s what this is.  If he thinks he can just catapult himself back onto the world stage by riding on the coat tails of the cider festival, he’s got another thing coming.  Hamptonne won’t stand for it.  And neither will I’

Maureen Pinochet, head of public relations for Jersey Heritage, today reminded all members to ensure they bring along with them their badges or key fobs on the day itself.  ‘But also,’ she added sternly, ‘one other form of identification.  And please allow enough time to actually get in to the festival.  Security for this year’s event has been significantly beefed up – for obvious reasons’  

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