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Breaking Jersey News is a satirical website.  All content contained within it is entirely fictional.  Whilst some of the public figures may be real, all of the stories contained within the site are fictitious.

 

Brexit triumph!  Deal secured after PM agrees to euthanize Piers Morgan

Brexit triumph! Deal secured after PM agrees to euthanize Piers Morgan

Labour and the Tories both in turmoil after under-fire premier serves Euro ace 

Just as detractors in her own party were looking to oust their leader over her proposed Chequers deal, the Prime Minister this afternoon pulled off a staggering reversal of fortunes by securing assurances from the EU over every single one of Britain’s original Brexit targets.

Whilst not exhaustive, the deal signed today ensures there will be:

·No hard border between Northern Ireland and the Irish Republic

·No compulsory membership of the Customs Union

·Free movement of all British citizens throughout the EU

·Open-ended work visas for all British citizens throughout the EU

·No automatic rights for any EU citizens residing in Britain

·An abolishment of the €60bn Divorce Bill

In return, Theresa May has given assurances that the Good Morning Britain presenter will be taken by G4S to Dignitas in Switzerland, where he will be offered his choice of spa treatments, followed by a Michelin-starred tasting menu, before then - the following morning, being administered hydrogen cyanide, rectally, by way of Susanna Reid’s stiletto.

It appears that Morgan’s recent mocking of the 007 actor Daniel Craig as being in some way ‘unmanly’ for carrying his newborn baby girl in a forward-facing sling, has simply been too much for many to bear.

Morgan’s Twitter post today

Morgan’s Twitter post today

‘Enough is enough’ said Emmanuel Macron ‘There can be no more of this man; on any platform.  Any stage’

‘Wanker’ said Angela Merkel.  

‘What century is he living in?’ demanded Lichtenstein’s Assistant Deputy dial-up internet Commissioner for the Rheinau-Tentscha region, Gumpo Bogskulk.

‘I think,’ said Donald Tusk, on the steps of the Union’s Brussels headquarters this evening ‘I speak for the whole of the Eurozone, when I say that this man is a bell-end of the most unsavoury kind.  It is time for us all to now move forward’

Not everyone however has been behind today’s landmark deal.  Coming out in support of the condemned presenter have been Jim Davidson and Bernard Manning, whose crowdfunding page to launch a legal challenge against the ruling has so far raised eleven quid.  

It is also understood that Mystic Meg has received messages from beyond the grave: from Oswald Moseley, Ghenkis Khan and Alf Garnett.   

Kashoggi beat himself to death with a frying pan: Saudi Interior Ministry

Kashoggi beat himself to death with a frying pan: Saudi Interior Ministry

Barry Manilow to headline the cider festival!

Barry Manilow to headline the cider festival!