IMG_6865.JPG

Hot stories.  Hot action.  Hot nonsense.  

Disclaimer:

Breaking Jersey News is a satirical website.  All content contained within it is entirely fictional.  Whilst some of the public figures may be real, all of the stories contained within the site fictitious.

 

Gove announces he is in transition – 24 hours after being appointed Brexit Secretary

Gove announces he is in transition – 24 hours after being appointed Brexit Secretary

Leading Brexiteer, former environment secretary and Lord Chancellor, Michael Gove, now identifies as Michelle, and calls on Tories to rally around their PM on Europe

New head of Brexit, Michelle Gove, has today, announcing her new identity, declared her ‘unwavering support’ for prime minster Theresa May, after taking over from Stephen Barclay yesterday as Brexit secretary, who resigned after just six hours in the position.

‘Yes’ Mrs Gove explained. ‘I have been a leading voice in attempting to undermine Theresa May in the past.’  ‘Yes.  I have done my best to destabilise her whenever it suits me, and to egg others on to do the same.  But now!’ she said ‘Having turned down the role of Brexit Secretary four times, I now take it on - proudly.  And with the sincere hope for a better Britain.’  ‘And I look forward’ she said ‘to heading out into Brussels and thrashing out a better deal for this great nation, despite being explicitly warned that under no circumstances whatsoever, am I to even consider attempting to do so.’

The prime minister this afternoon echoed Mrs Gove’s sentiments.

‘Whilst the timing of Michelle’s announcement today came as something as a surprise,’ Mrs May said ‘I am delighted not only for her, but to be able to welcome her back to the very front of frontline politics, again; and I have every confidence she can bring a stabilising rudder to what have been historic, if sometimes turbulent proceedings.’  ‘Obviously’ she said ‘there are those who are saying that Michelle is a disruptor.  A trouble maker.  Someone who is not to be trusted.  A lying, back-stabbing opportunist who would rob her granny for a tenner.  But I do not’ she declared ‘agree with them either.  Or with those’ she said ‘who, for seemingly an eternity now, have questioned my willingness to even have her in the same room as government.   And who have lambasted me for bringing her back in the first place - two years ago. And it is for that reason’ she said ‘that I today offered her, Michelle, the position of Home Secretary.  A position’ she said ‘that she has since declined.’  ‘And I have enormous respect that too.’  ‘Now let’s!’ she said ‘give the people what they voted for, and get this deal back on track.’ 

Jersey to host the Brexit Hunger Games 2019!

Jersey to host the Brexit Hunger Games 2019!

Pudsey in Mimosa shame

Pudsey in Mimosa shame