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Breaking Jersey News is a satirical website.  All content contained within it is entirely fictional.  Whilst some of the public figures may be real, all of the stories contained within the site are fictitious.

 

Jersey to host the Brexit Hunger Games 2019!

Jersey to host the Brexit Hunger Games 2019!

Island confirmed as event venue after EU chiefs secure Whitehall assurances over desired competitors  

The prime minister has today after months of uncertainty and turbulent negotiation, signed a full and binding separation agreement with the European Union.  

A breakthrough was finally reached in the small hours of this morning when details were agreed on a new annual Brexit Hunger Games competition, pitting prominent Leave campaigners against one another, in a fight to the death on the island of Jersey; until, it is understood, there are none left.  

‘I am delighted’ explained EU president Jean Claude-Junker today ‘The inaugural Brexit Hunger Games 2019 will go a long way to healing the divisions within Europe that this whole ugly fiasco has succeeding in confounding.  We’ve got the people we want, when and where we want them.’  ‘And I am delighted’ he said ‘that this will take place in Jersey.  As a location for an event such as this, it has it all.  It really does.  It’s got the cliffs, the marshlands, the weather, the hornets: it’s got all the natural perils one could wish for.  It’s got the black dog of Bouley Bay.  Sea lettuce. Barnacles.  The cyclists alone make it one of the most dangerous places in Europe. There’s even talk’ he said ‘that Gulliver the seagull is set to be brought back from exile!….. And it’s got the third biggest tide movement in the world for goodness sakes!  That’ll catch a few out for sure!  The venue’ he said ‘selected itself.’  ‘In fact,’ Mr Junker continued ‘one of the biggest upsides to this whole Brexit debacle has been that it has allowed us to form closer ties with the people of Jersey.  A thoroughly decent bunch, to be sure.  Great swathes of the populous have been only too happy to see the games staged there; and have offered sincere assures that they will refrain from assisting the competitors, however desperate their situations become’

Spirit of Churchill? Boris Johnson, competing as ‘Wiff-Waff-Gaff’, training at Val de La Mare yesterday evening

Spirit of Churchill? Boris Johnson, competing as ‘Wiff-Waff-Gaff’, training at Val de La Mare yesterday evening

Mr Johnson, one of the first names on the list put forward by European leaders, will go into the games with specially designed table-tennis paddles, affixed with tungsten carbide barbs: allowing him to at once beat off his opponents, whilst simultaneously drawing them into engagement.

Mr (had his) Chips? Michael ‘Bad Seminar’ Gove

Mr (had his) Chips? Michael ‘Bad Seminar’ Gove

Former Education Secretary and tireless Brexit campaigner Michael Gove will be competing under the alias ‘Bad Seminar’, and will have, going into battle, a titanium bladed mortar-board, deadly at distances of eleven feet and under.  

Other confirmed competitors include Nigel (Last Orders) Farage, who will have two smashed pint glasses at his disposal, as well as Leader of the House, Andrea (The Dread) Leadsom, who will be running the gauntlet with an electrified Commons mace. 

‘We will also be seeing in combat’ explained Mr Junker ‘Piers Morgan and Katie Hopkins; who, despite not being such loud proponents of a split with Europe, were requested to compete by every single member state.  Katie Hopkins will be known as ‘Skin Waste’, and will have in her armoury a huge poison-tipped fountain pen; that I, and all European leaders have since agreed should have neither a nib, nor any poison.  Piers Morgan is to receive a life-size cut out of himself, and a spork.    

Tickets for the opening ceremony of the event, taking place at FB fields on March 23rd 2019, go on sale at Seedee Jons from Monday.

Waitrose dilemma: 96% of shoppers oblivious to the fate of their charity tokens

Waitrose dilemma: 96% of shoppers oblivious to the fate of their charity tokens

Gove announces he is in transition – 24 hours after being appointed Brexit Secretary

Gove announces he is in transition – 24 hours after being appointed Brexit Secretary