IMG_6865.JPG

Hot stories.  Hot action.  Hot nonsense.  

Disclaimer:

Breaking Jersey News is a satirical website.  All content contained within it is entirely fictional.  Whilst some of the public figures may be real, all of the stories contained within the site fictitious.

 

Kashoggi beat himself to death with a frying pan: Saudi Interior Ministry

Kashoggi beat himself to death with a frying pan: Saudi Interior Ministry

Defence contracts back on the table after Gulf-state finally reveals truth

World leaders have been united today in a collective sense of disgruntled acceptance after the Saudi Interior Ministry this morning finally gave a full account of the last moments of out-of-favour journalist Jamal Kashoggi.  

Istanbul consulate chief Abdul Richardi Richardi (above left), and field officer Edu Ali-Hitlaru (right), describe what happened.

‘Our chat with Mr Kashoggi was going great.’ explained Mr Richardi.  ‘And then all of a sudden, he just flipped.  Went berserk he did.  After knocking unconscious the 15 agents in attendance, Kashoggi - apparently then overcome with remorse, picked up the frying pan my officers had cooked his breakfast in, then proceeded to beat himself around the head with it - until he himself passed out, whereupon, he then fell to the floor, inadvertently rolling himself in a rug, where he then, regrettably, asphyxiated.’ 

‘So sad.’ said Mr Hitlaru.  

‘My officers then panicked’ said Mr Richardi ‘and - not knowing what to do, then hurriedly arranged to have Mr Kashoggi dismembered and dissolved in acid.’

Mr Richardi sighed.  ‘I am furious.’ he said ‘We all are.’ ‘And the officers in question, let it be clear, now face the full might of formal disciplinary proceedings’

‘It has not been an easy couple of weeks.’ said Mr Hitlaru sombrely. ‘For anybody’

‘A condolence book,’ said Mr Richardi ‘has now been opened in the consulate.’  ‘And there are,’ he then added ‘several former nationals in particular whom we would urge to fly in and have a look at it with us’ 

A liberty too far?   Public outcry at ‘obscene’ charity bus calendar

A liberty too far? Public outcry at ‘obscene’ charity bus calendar

Brexit triumph!  Deal secured after PM agrees to euthanize Piers Morgan

Brexit triumph! Deal secured after PM agrees to euthanize Piers Morgan