IMG_6865.JPG

Hot stories.  Hot action.  Hot nonsense.  

Disclaimer:

Breaking Jersey News is a satirical website.  All content contained within it is entirely fictional.  Whilst some of the public figures may be real, all of the stories contained within the site fictitious.

 

Waitrose dilemma: 96% of shoppers oblivious to the fate of their charity tokens

Waitrose dilemma: 96% of shoppers oblivious to the fate of their charity tokens

Headache for high street stalwart as survey reveals overwhelming majority of customers have no idea where their plastic coins have gone

The John Lewis group is today said to be considering ‘all options’ after a recent poll carried out in Jersey revealed that 96.3% of shoppers surveyed outside their stores had been unable to state which charity they had donated their green token to, or indeed where they had ended up at all. 

The most common responses included: 

‘The box on the left’

‘Something about hedgehogs’

‘The same one as the woman in front of me’

‘Blind people or something?’

‘Something to do with children?’

‘The one with the least in it’

‘The one with the most in it’

‘The one that was closest’

‘Leprosy?’

‘The one with the shortest blurb’

‘I gave it to my daughter/son somewhere’

‘I think it’s in one of the bags?’

Cambridge philosophy professor Barry Singh outlined the retailer’s predicament.  ‘If nobody has any idea which charity they are donating their coin to’ Mr Singh said ‘it raises the uncomfortable question as to just what the point is in having a choice at all?  Why not’ he said ‘just have one collection box?’ 

Mr Singh toyed thoughtfully with his necklace. 

‘Which itself’ he then said ‘raises a further question: if you are going to just have one box for people to drop their coins into, what is the point in having a collection box at all?’

Mr Singh on the big issues facing the industry giant

Mr Singh on the big issues facing the industry giant

‘Perhaps’ Mr Singh said ‘Waitrose should just donate money to their chosen charities equally?  The situation,’ he explained ‘in light of these survey findings, resembles loosely the paradox of Schrodinger’s Cat: whereby the scheme is at once both dead, and very much alive – at the exact same time.’  ‘Add to this quandary,’ Mr Singh said ‘the scourge that is people taking loyalty coffees when they haven’t actually purchased anything, and the management are really going to need to show their mettle here’

‘And this figure’ Mr Singh finally added sombrely ‘may be as high as 97 or 98% during the Christmas period’

St Brelade store regular Jeannette Crosby offered some food-for-thought for company top brass.  ‘Most of mine end up down the sofa’ she said ‘I’ve given up trying with Brian now.  To be honest, it’s helpful for him to just have something to concentrate on at the checkout; even if he does always forget to do anything with it. Why not use the space taken up by those boxes’ she said ‘for something else?  Like a cash machine that actually works?  Or an additional trolley bay?  I’ve lost count of the times someone has twatted my ankle in the chaos at the front doors.’  ‘To be honest’ she said ‘If they just stopped moving the Reduced section around, I’m not really arsed what they do.’

Jersey man on life-support machine after mistakenly purchasing Panettone

Jersey man on life-support machine after mistakenly purchasing Panettone

Jersey to host the Brexit Hunger Games 2019!

Jersey to host the Brexit Hunger Games 2019!