IMG_6865.JPG

Hot stories.  Hot action.  Hot nonsense.  

Disclaimer:

Breaking Jersey News is a satirical website.  All content contained within it is entirely fictional.  Whilst some of the public figures may be real, all of the stories contained within the site fictitious.

 

Jersey man on life-support machine after mistakenly purchasing Panettone

Jersey man on life-support machine after mistakenly purchasing Panettone

Local plumber fights for his life after inadvertently spending fourteen quid on a loaf of bread

Fifty-eight-year old plumber, father of three, and St Clement resident, Jules Le Breton, was last night given by doctors even-odds of survival after collapsing at a branch of Morrison’s yesterday, after inadvertently paying £13.99 to buy bread.

Mr Le Breton was said to be in high spirits in the town store - just moments before suffering a massive heart attack at the checkout when he realised what he had done.

We spoke to Mr Le Breton’s wife, Janice, at his hospital bedside this morning.

‘It’s so rare that I can get him to even come to a shop with me’ she explained. ‘Most of the time I don’t actually want him to, truth be told.’ She gazed longingly down at her husband. ‘But it was just so great to see him out and about’ she said ‘-and so happy. He picked up shortbread biscuits, brazil nuts, mince pies, a tub of brandy butter, some chocolate coins…. He was doing it all on his own!’ she laughed. ‘And all of that stuff was at least 75% off! I can’t remember the last time I saw him so happy with himself. He even grabbed some heavily discounted napkins that he said we would be able to use for the following Christmas!’ Janice fought back tears. ‘It was like’ she said ‘I was with another man.’

‘But it was then’ she whispered ‘shortly after that, when it happened.’ ‘I had seen some people from work and had gone over to say hello. Jools must have just absent-mindedly snatched up the Panettone on his way to the checkout. They’d probably put it right out in the aisle, I bet.’

‘When I saw him again’ she said ‘it was too late.’

Janice described rushing over to the till when she noticed her husband getting anxious and struggling for air.

‘Jools was gesturing wildly at the contents of his carrier bags’ she said ‘‘But there must be some sort of mistake!’’ he was shouting at checkout attendant. ‘‘There’s no way that lot can come to thirty quid!’’

‘‘It’s probably the Panettone’’ the boy replied ‘‘It’s not cheap’’

‘‘Panettone’?’ Jools demanded, ‘‘You mean this thing?’’ He prodded at the box with his finger. ‘‘But isn’t that just sugary bread with sultanas in it?’’

‘Yes.’ said the boy. ‘Orange peel too’

‘‘Orange peel?!’’ Jools shouted.

‘‘And because it’s a sale item’’ the boy then said ‘‘I’m afraid we’re not able to offer you a refund’’

Jools reeled. ‘‘Sale item?!’’ he gasped, ‘But… how much was it BEFORE the discount?’’

‘‘£19.35’’ the boy told him.’

‘And it was then that Jools collapsed and began convulsing on the tiles.’

Janice’s voice wavered. She grabbed for her husband’s limp hand.

‘If I hadn’t got him that Contactless debit card!’ she cried out, ‘he mightn’t be in all this mess!’

A spokesperson for Morrison’s, area manager Linda Thriftneedle, has said that the staff will tonight be holding a candlelit vigil outside the general hospital. ‘We will of course’ she said ‘be delighted to exchange Mr Le Breton’s Panettone for a gift voucher. When he gets better of course.’

Prince Philip’s driving licence restricted to ‘Jersey Only’ after Sandringham smash-up

Prince Philip’s driving licence restricted to ‘Jersey Only’ after Sandringham smash-up

Waitrose dilemma: 96% of shoppers oblivious to the fate of their charity tokens

Waitrose dilemma: 96% of shoppers oblivious to the fate of their charity tokens