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Breaking Jersey News is a satirical website.  All content contained within it is entirely fictional.  Whilst some of the public figures may be real, all of the stories contained within the site are fictitious.

 

Pancake Day horror: Jersey hospital inundated by well-intentioned middle-aged men

Pancake Day horror: Jersey hospital inundated by well-intentioned middle-aged men

Emergency measures drafted in as wards reach breaking point after Shrove Tuesday carnage

Jersey hospital was at ten o’clock last night placed under a never-before-used emergency dictate yesterday, when services could no longer cope with the quantities of pancake-related admissions to the Accident and Emergency department.  By 22:35pm, there had been 1,225 injuries logged at reception; with 857 of those requiring overnight stays, to include skin grafts, counselling or emergency surgery. 

Of the 1,225 admissions, 1,205 were men, and of the 20 that were women, 19 had been travelling in a coach whose brakes had failed on St Clements coast road. 

‘I’ve no idea what has actually caused such a catastrophic uprising like this’ explained head of triage, Martha O’Connor.  ‘None.  But I tell you something, every single one of them has happened in the kitchen.  Whether it’s something men have seen on television, or the internet, or some ‘viral-thing’… goodness knows.  Probably Jamie Oliver, someone like that.’  ‘Honestly, it’s like something from a Stephen King film.  You know: when a whole community suddenly goes mad.  Burnt wrists.  Burnt hands.  Burnt eyes, faces, heads, feet.  Broken noses.  I’ve even had a dislocated shoulder.  Men whose aprons have caught fire.  Men whose kitchens have caught fire.  Men whose hair has gone up.  Faces.  Clothing.  Men who’ve tripped, fallen, collapsed, fainted, hallucinated, lost consciousness… it’s been an absolute horror show down here.  And who’d have thought that lemon juice could be such a hazard?….  And just you believe me!’ she said ‘I was here for Black Friday at DeGruchy’s.  I know what carnage really is.’  ‘There needs to be an inquiry…. A public inquiry into all of this.  I’ve never seen anything like it, so help me God’

   
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    ‘Norman’ from Grouville, who was treated for whiplash, disorientation, and sugar burns to his eyes

‘Norman’ from Grouville, who was treated for whiplash, disorientation, and sugar burns to his eyes

Health Minister Andrew Green gave the following statement this afternoon.  ‘The States of Jersey urge ALL islanders to think very carefully before using electrical appliances.  There is no shame…. none whatsoever - in taking a few moments to double-check that you have everything set up properly before you commence a task or tasks requiring machine operation.  There is no shame - either in checking with a loved-one or partner if you are ever unsure about anything, or would simply like someone to cast an eye over your workstation before you commence, merely as a means of ensuring that everything is as it should be.’  ‘I am proud to say that we live age where previously held stereotypes on domestic arrangements are no longer present, nor are acceptable.  And I think’ he said ‘we can all be thankful for that’ 

Cineworld outrage: fifty shades of pandemonium

Cineworld outrage: fifty shades of pandemonium

Sighting of exiled Catalan leader in St Ouen ignites fears of resurgent independence bid

Sighting of exiled Catalan leader in St Ouen ignites fears of resurgent independence bid