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Disclaimer:

Breaking Jersey News is a satirical website.  All content contained within it is entirely fictional.  Whilst some of the public figures may be real, all of the stories contained within the site fictitious.

 

Cineworld outrage: fifty shades of pandemonium

Cineworld outrage: fifty shades of pandemonium

Chaos at the Valentine’s Day anniversary screening of Fifty Shades of Grey, as Cineworld and surrounding areas are choked by raucous bondage enthusiasts mobilized on social media

 

   
  
    
  
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    Victoria Pinel, a teaching assistant from Beaulieu, is checked on by KFC kitchen porter Dwayne Harris outside Cineworld yesterday

Victoria Pinel, a teaching assistant from Beaulieu, is checked on by KFC kitchen porter Dwayne Harris outside Cineworld yesterday

There were tense scenes on the streets of St Helier last night when a special screening of Fifty Shades of Grey descended into mayhem as hundreds of Jersey residents in S&M gear brought the entire waterfront area to its knees.   Representatives from KFC and Pizza Hut have been pressing ministers for a meaningful response after reporting all but no business whatsoever from seven o’clock onwards.  ‘‘We had plenty of people coming in and using the toilets’’ explained KFC duty manager Steve Wilkins ‘‘but that was about it.  Two of my staff spent about half an hour helping a lady with breathing difficulties out of a chainmail corset.  I have seen things this evening that I never wish to see again.  This whole episode leaves an ugly stain on the integrity of the island’’

   
  
    
  
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    One of the items recovered from the toilets at Pizza Hut

One of the items recovered from the toilets at Pizza Hut

Aaron Guthrie, manager of The Bar on the opposite side of the plaza, was altogether more buoyant.  ‘I think it’s great’ he said.  ‘It’s high time we all lightened up a bit.  This has been the busiest Friday we’ve have had since the Superman premier’

A giant PA system mounted on the back of oyster loader pumped out a Hannah Jacques set, whipping the crowds into a frenzy that reached fever pitch when long-serving honorary constable Kenneth Le Gresley, of Grouville, who had raced to the scene without his fluorescent tabard, was mistaken for a film-goer and was promptly ball-gagged and spanked by three men in studded rubber masks.

The events have been condemned in the strongest possible terms by St Helier constable Simon Crowcroft after he learnt that scores of minors bore witness to the incident.  ‘‘The failure of cinema bosses to foresee the problems of screening a children’s movie that finishes just before a pornographic one is scheduled to start, beggars belief.  At best, this amounts to gross negligence.  At worst, this would be the most reprehensible publicity stunt I have ever seen.  When I was out with my wife at Cheffin’s and I saw Kevin Pamplin hurtling off in the opposite direction from all this fanfare, I knew instantly that something had gone seriously awry’’

   
  
    
  
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    Children exiting a viewing of  coco  witness the violation of Mr Le Gresley

Children exiting a viewing of coco witness the violation of Mr Le Gresley

Some Jersey residents are looking upon the evening as a watershed moment for the island.  Jackie North, an optician from First Tower and attendee at the premier, explained: ‘I had no idea there were so many of us.  We are a small island that is generally conservative in its views.   I believe that there are enough of us now to have reached a critical mass.  We have nothing to be ashamed of.   We are real people, just like everyone else.  We pay our taxes.  We take our children to school.  We do our shopping just like you do.  Just because my husband enjoys spending his evenings in a cage and being told he is worthless, that has absolutely no bearing on our being respected members of the local community.’’ 

   
  
    
  
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  Jackie North and husband Andrew from First Tower

Jackie North and husband Andrew from First Tower

Mr and Mrs North are founding a political party in an attempt to push through legislation to stand up for like-minded islanders.   Restrain Jersey will go head to head with Sam Mezec’s outfit as a credible entity seeking to safeguard the rights of those with alternative persuasions.

 

 

It’s official!  'Cheddar Man' was from St Saviour!

It’s official! 'Cheddar Man' was from St Saviour!

Pancake Day horror: Jersey hospital inundated by well-intentioned middle-aged men

Pancake Day horror: Jersey hospital inundated by well-intentioned middle-aged men