It’s official! 'Cheddar Man' was from St Saviour!
Finding of a love letter in a secret compartment in Cheddar Man’s knapsack, proves Britain’s oldest skeleton was a resident of the Bailiwick, called Gareth
The international spotlight is shining brightly onto Jersey after ‘Cheddar Man’, Britain’s oldest known skeleton, was yesterday confirmed to have lived in St Saviour. A love letter from his wife, Philippa, discovered in a secret compartment in his knapsack, offers fascinating insights into the life and conditions of our most distant traceable ancestors. ‘Cheddar Man’ was called Gareth, and using the very latest satellite and GPS technology, experts have been able to pinpoint his dwelling to the site now occupied by the Merton Hotel’s Aqua Dome.
Tracy Hershey, the Merton’s deputy pool manager, was at this morning’s press briefing. ‘I bet if you’d asked him all those years ago,’ she said ‘he would never, in his wildest dreams, have imagined that anyone would be hurtling down a water-flume, directly above his hovel! …Not in a thousand years!’
And Tracy is not alone in her enthusiasm. ‘Whilst we do not yet know why Gareth, literally, upped sticks and embarked on his spectacular pilgrimage to Somerset’ explained the British museum’s head of human evolution, Rafael Scholtz, ‘The letter gives us a truly moving insight into their lives and hearts.’ ‘And as we try and imagine the hardships and rudimentary nature of such an existence all those years ago, we are at the same time reminded that some things, like companionship, like family values – like love, will remain constant through time immemorial.’ ‘And not just that!’ he beamed ‘the letter also provides us with the first ever recorded emoji!’
Here is a direct translation of the text:
My little honey-lump,
I do hope you’re well and that you managed to secure a decent enough channel crossing. I suppose you must be there now? The kids keep asking me what I think you might be doing. ‘Drinking his own body weight in whatever muck anyone will serve him’ I tell them. They laugh. But I am starting to think that Tristan realises that I’m not joking. Seriously though, don’t be too much of an asshole whilst you’re there. Who’s to say we mightn’t all end up over there at some point?
And whilst I think of it: don’t forget to remind everyone of your lactose intolerance - and that means goat’s cheese too! Gut-bucket. We don’t want a repeat of what happened when the Browns came over. (sour-face emoji)
Perhaps you might use this opportunity whilst you are away to get a haircut? You look so much smarter with it up over your ears. I bet there are some fantastic barbers over there. Go on… surprise me! I know you won’t come home with any flowers or jewellery, but if you can add your mullet to that list, I’ll make you woolly mammoth broth every Friday until the leaves start falling off the trees again – I know I said that when I finally got you to file off your toenails, but I really mean it this time.
Kimmy has started hanging around with that rude little girl from down at the beach. I heard her call her mother ‘yak thighs’ at the weekend. We really need to steer her away from her. And that nasty little brother of hers too. I’m sure there’s something wrong with him.
We love and miss you very much. Bring back something for the kids if you can? Even if it’s just an old bone or something.
Both the letter and the Knapsack will be viewable at Hogue Bie from September 2018