Church toilet row: suspicions of Russian interference grow
Tensions reach breaking point as no agreement close over siting of new facilities
As the Archbishop of Canterbury, Justin Welby, appealed for calm outside the Saint Laurent pub yesterday, it is understood that Theresa May cut short her Brexit negotiations with EU commissioners to chair an emergency meeting of COBRA to discuss the potential fallout of St Lawrence’s civil unrest. As fears grow of sympathetic groups mounting possible calls-to-arms; already, UK based Anglican group Latrines for Jesus, as well as Defecate Now, Privies of the Trinity, The Brotherhood of the Divine Commodes, and The Khazis of the Latter-Day Saints, have all come out in support of the originally proposed church extension, and whilst there have yet been any reports of violence, ministers are anxious to attempt to ‘dampen down the tinder’ before tragedy occurs.
There have been demands at local level for a root-and-branch audit of the whole toilet proposal timeline, after former British intelligence officer Christopher Steele, speaking from a secure location in Baltimore, US, yesterday, claimed that the upcoming secret ballot had been compromised, and that Russian hackers had been ‘systematically distributing fake news and misinformation across social media’ as a means of undermining the whole democratic process.
Reports from both the For and Against camps speak of a climate of fear and intimidation, where parishioners are being followed in their cars, and are subject to hoax calls and late night doorbell ringing. Whilst unconfirmed, it is rumoured that a lady from an address near Six Roads stores received a bullet in an envelope. ‘William’, a No voter, from whom we received an anonymous call this morning, claims to have found a severed crapaud head under his pillow.
Breaking Jersey News took up the issue with parishioners. ‘To be honest with you’ explained Dave Tredant ‘I really couldn’t care less. I’d much rather someone threw a few quid at getting that tree taken down on the main road that keeps taking everyone's wing mirrors off.’ He sighed. ‘I’d shit in the woods if there wasn’t so much dog shit there already.’
‘I just can’t believe what is happening’ explained an emotional Kenneth Nubtweed ‘People have already started moving out of the central business district. Property prices have slumped. The very heart of the town has become a twilight zone…. leaving the door open for the pimps and the drug dealers. And the sodomites. Let’s not forget them. Take a look around’ he said ‘Where are the children playing? Where are the visitors? Where are the walkers, the families, the street vendors? Our beautiful community…. lost’
‘I don’t buy it!’ parishioner Eileen Freely told us ‘I don’t buy any of it! I’ve learnt over the years to know better. What do you do when you go and see an illusionist and you want to know what is really happening?’ she gripped our reporter’s arm. ‘You watch!’ she said ‘-but in all the places you aren’t supposed to….’ ‘Tamba Park’ she whispered ‘‘Seek and thou shalt find’ – Take a look around you! They’re exploiting the confusion created by all this furore to push through proposals for apartment blocks! And all the while the world’s media is consumed by the church toilets.’ ‘A coincidence? .... ‘‘Smoke and mirrors’.’ she said ‘It always is.’
The crucial vote is scheduled to take place on Monday 26th February.