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Breaking Jersey News is a satirical website.  All content contained within it is entirely fictional.  Whilst some of the public figures may be real, all of the stories contained within the site are fictitious.

 

Sighting of exiled Catalan leader in St Ouen ignites fears of resurgent independence bid

Sighting of exiled Catalan leader in St Ouen ignites fears of resurgent independence bid

Photographing of sacked former Catalan president Carles Puigdemont leaving the Old-School café in St Ouen, sparks fresh fears in Cyril Le Marquand House over the likelihood of a resurgent bid for St Ouen to attain independent status.

Heckles in the capitol have been raised after parish separatists have been rumoured to be in advanced talks with key movers in the troubled Spanish region over possible logistical and financial backing for a rejuvenated assault on the island’s constitutional make-up.

Local die-hard unionists claim that unnamed Jersey senators themselves are pulling the strings behind - what amounts, in their eyes, to a conspiratorial sabotage of our very way of life, from the very highest corridors of power.      

‘Look at what happened to the village Cost-cutter!’ shouted St Ouen resident and president of the Jersey Together-Together Society, Pam Glitchpin, to Breaking Jersey News’ reporting team from across the Food Hall this morning.  ‘It’s classic diversionary tactics.  They sweeten us up with a Tesco’s, people go delirious about cheap fruit and vegetables, then just as everyone is sorting out their Clubcards, BANG!  We’re out in the cold…… you wait….’  ‘Isolated.’  ‘Like…. Guernsey or something.’  ‘Well I’m not having it.’  ‘Look!’ she urged us ‘I don’t care much for St Mary either – or St Peter, but it’s only by being sat around the same table that we will be able to thrash out the big issues.’  ‘There’s only one thing worse than having to deal with these people – and that’s not being able to when we really bloody have to.’  ‘Who signed off on Tesco’s?  That’s what I want to know.  Follow the paper’ she whispered, ‘find the mole’

 

   
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    St Ouen fisherman and long-time separatist campaigner Marty Renouf displaying his solidarity with his Catalan brethren off La Rocco Tower this morning

St Ouen fisherman and long-time separatist campaigner Marty Renouf displaying his solidarity with his Catalan brethren off La Rocco Tower this morning

We spoke with Home Affairs minister Kristina Moore. ‘St Ouen already enjoys unprecedented autonomy’ she explained.  ‘Measures brought in over the last twenty years have allowed them to organise their own traffic diversions, opt-out of mandatory cardboard recycling, administrate their own gritting salt, and resubmit to Britain in Bloom – and that’s not to mention the leeway they have been afforded in Petanque prize-fund deregulation.  If St Ouen’s does indeed push forward with another bid for independence, we will have no choice but to seize the parish hall and impose the full force of central governance’ 

German Chancellor Angela Merkel, along with European Commission president Jean Claude Junker, have both appealed for calm, and are believed to be mediating possible peace talks through a neutral third-party, believed to be Norway.   

 

Pancake Day horror: Jersey hospital inundated by well-intentioned middle-aged men

Pancake Day horror: Jersey hospital inundated by well-intentioned middle-aged men

Vigilantes in reprisal attack on convicted fly-tipper

Vigilantes in reprisal attack on convicted fly-tipper