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Breaking Jersey News is a satirical website.  All content contained within it is entirely fictional.  Whilst some of the public figures may be real, all of the stories contained within the site are fictitious.

 

Novichok foul-play dismissed after Easter bunny collapse triggers stampede

Novichok foul-play dismissed after Easter bunny collapse triggers stampede

Police assure residents they are safe to return to the town centre, after weekend egg-hunt rehearsal ends in mass casualties

St Helier authorities have today given the green light for residents to return to their lives as normal after results showed that Garth Shingle, who had been dressed as the Easter bunny on Saturday, was overcome by exhaust fumes and a restrictive costume, rather than a Russian nerve agent, when he collapsed during an egg-hunt rehearsal outside Jersey Museum shortly before lunch time.

One hundred and fourteen people still remain in hospital after attempting to put as much possible distance between themselves and Mr Shingle at the time of the incident, after an as-yet unknown individual had stood on a table outside Unawatuna and had accused the stricken Mr Shingle of being a Soviet defector.  Armed police in biological warfare suits shortly thereafter detained, as a precaution, fourteen cars and their occupants, two Jersey Post transits, a middle-aged man on roller blades, and the prosecco van.  As well as the entire St Mary’s petanque team. 

 

Tense scenes around lunch time

Tense scenes around lunch time

Mr Shingle was assisted at the time of the incident by five contractors, who, in a strange twist of fate, had been installing pollution sensors and traffic monitoring apparatus outside Ce Soir and the Jersey Business School.

‘We just noticed him get a bit weird’ explained team leader Drew Partridge ‘He began ranting to himself, then tottering about, then running around in circles, before he finally hit the deck in front of a group of Japanese schoolchildren.’   ‘We had all just assumed he had come out of Chambers or something.  On a stag-do, or what-have-you.’  ‘There were plenty of other worse looking folk knocking-about outside The Royal Yacht… you just never know, eh?!’

Police are appealing for anyone who may have mobile phone footage of the incident to contact them on 612612. 

Casino approved for St Martin's school site

Casino approved for St Martin's school site

Race against time: Dutch elmo's disease discovered in Grev woods

Race against time: Dutch elmo's disease discovered in Grev woods