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Breaking Jersey News is a satirical website.  All content contained within it is entirely fictional.  Whilst some of the public figures may be real, all of the stories contained within the site are fictitious.


New waterfront shame: snow-shortage chicken sparks KFC riots

New waterfront shame: snow-shortage chicken sparks KFC riots

Not three weeks after the entire waterfront area was brought to its knees by bondage enthusiasts attending an anniversary screening of Fifty Shades of Gray, there was a new, more ugly blight on Jersey’s reputation last night when another chicken shortage at KFC triggered swathes of mass brawls and sporadic vandalism, from La Fregate café, all the way to La Collette reclamation site.

Management at KFC had feared the worst when several lorry-loads of chicken that had been caught up in the UK’s most brutal cold-snap for a generation, had still not reached Jersey by Wednesday.  ‘It was the perfect storm’ explained shift supervisor Kelly Freemantle ‘Literally.  By 15:00pm yesterday we began having to take things off the menu.  When a group of eighth-grade majorettes deliberately pushed over a beaker of drinking straws at 17:00pm when I could only provide them with two family-buckets between the twenty of them, I knew that things were only going to end in disaster’

By 20:00pm there were roving street battles outside The Bar, Organic Kids nursery and Pizza Hut, as well as in the Radisson hotel car park and throughout the foyer.  Both Mark Jordan’s Cow and Lobster restaurant and Tamba arcade had their windows smashed in.

Mr Milton Dempsey was at KFC yesterday evening, and received today a police caution for his part in the disturbances.  ‘I have IBS!’ he told us ‘What was I supposed to do?  Get a salad or something?!  ‘‘A Zinger burger’’ that’s what the girl on the counter offered me.  ‘‘We’ve got a couple of those left’’ she said.  Do you how long it takes to try and pull all the coating off a chicken breast?!  And I told her that too!  What a joke!  Anyhow, it all just suddenly went mental, and the next thing I know, I’m down outside the maritime museum, kicking some geezer in the head.’  ‘Bullshit!’

Still in police custody is 78-year old Bernard Rosquet, who had exited a Cineworld screening of The Darkest Hour, only to then involve himself in the unrest.  ‘I saw him alright!’ explained cinema pick-and-mix till operator Quentin Fingerslip. ‘He hobbled past me and out into the reception area, then he just stood there for a little bit, teetering on the spot.  We could all see that it was kicking off outside.  And all of sudden, he just booted open the front doors, shouted: ‘‘til I choke on my own blood!’’, and then dashed outside and smashed a guy in a hoodie with a right-hook’

Mr Rosquet is alleged to have hospitalised eight men before being overpowered by police officers outside the new finance centre.

We spoke with zero-hours contract, weekend shift-worker Chardonnay Jackson. ‘The colonel would turn in his grave’ she said ‘if he had seen it here yesterday.  God rest his soul.  All we are trying to do here is provide people with fresh, tasty food as quickly and as personably as we can.  There is no place in a modern society such as ours for the types of scene we have witnessed here.’  ‘None'

Breaking Jersey News readers are invited to join Chardonnay’s new Instagram community.  ‘Here’ she explained ‘you can demonstrate your solidarity with KFC staff, at: #bucketsofpeace – just log-in, then upload selfies of yourself eating chicken and not fighting anyone’

As the clean-up goes on, Fitness First member Geoff Cobham shared his concerns. ‘It’s getting more and more like Benidorm around here’ he said ‘What next?  Kiss-me-quick hats and karaoke?  When I do my squats in the window now, it is impossible not to notice a distinct shiftiness in passers-by.….. like they’re trying to avoid eye contact, you know?  Almost as if they don’t want to look at me at all, in fact.’  He sighed.  ‘It’s just the way it all seems to be going, isn’t it: just a general cheapening of things I suppose; across the board.  Such a shame.  Tattoo parlours and body piercings, that’s what it’ll be around here soon.  Flesh, everywhere.  Wet t-shirt competitions and titty-bars.  Twerking in the streets.  Partially clad bodies writhing over one another in foam parties.  Hot-panted dancers in cages gyrating rhythmically to dance music, sucking lollipops and getting blasted with CO2 as they pour drinks over themselves.’  He sighed again. ‘Disgusting'

Ministers are urging members of the public to check the website, which now has listings, directions, opening hours and a free shuttle service to-and-from all town establishments offering fast food.

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