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Disclaimer:

Breaking Jersey News is a satirical website.  All content contained within it is entirely fictional.  Whilst some of the public figures may be real, all of the stories contained within the site fictitious.

 

Swimarathon threatened by mysterious ‘shadowy creature’

Swimarathon threatened by mysterious ‘shadowy creature’

Race against time to save Jersey's longest running charity event sees celebrated angler Jeremy Wade helicoptered in to land rogue brute  

There are anguished scenes in homes and in social clubs across the island today after Breaking Jersey News first revealed this morning that the Jersey Swimarathon was under threat from a mysterious creature spotted in the swimming pool in the small hours of Wednesday morning by nightshift janitor, Ted Cramer. 

‘I was passing through to get my mop,’ explained Mr Cramer ‘and I just happened to notice it.  I saw a dark shadow tacking through the shallows.  At first I thought it was a trick of the light.  A cloud reflection or something.  But then I saw it break the water.  I saw a fin.  The flash of an eye; and then it changed direction, accelerated, dived… there was another swirl on the surface of the water, and it went down further, downward toward the deep end.  And then it was gone.  And I never saw it again’

   
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  An image of the creature taken at 06:45am from a CCTV unit

An image of the creature taken at 06:45am from a CCTV unit

In an emotional address from the steps of Government House this lunch time, Jersey's Lieutenant Governor, Air Chief Marshal Sir Stephen Dalton, who himself plans to attend the event, gave the following statement:

‘We are’ he said ‘clearly up against a malevolent adversary here.  We don’t know if this fish is a lone-wolf, or is operating as part of a cell, but know this: the full might of the States of Jersey’s Special Operations division will not rest until this creature is apprehended; and with Jeremy Wade at the helm, I’ve no doubt we can expect a swift resolution to matters.  Our thought are now with him.  He has a little over 72 hours’ 

   
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    The  River Monsters  star in action earlier this year at Aqua-Fantazia, Munich, where he netted a 230lb Marlin 

The River Monsters star in action earlier this year at Aqua-Fantazia, Munich, where he netted a 230lb Marlin 

It is understood that Jeremy Wade arrived yesterday afternoon, and despite running into serious traffic problems outside the Rubis garage, was at the leisure centre and casting-off by three o’clock.  And it wasn’t long before he proved why his was the first name on the minds of the emergency services, when at 17:13pm, he was hauling his first catch from the water.

   
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    Mr Wade with the Argentinian stickle-back blenny he hauled from the water yesterday afternoon 

Mr Wade with the Argentinian stickle-back blenny he hauled from the water yesterday afternoon 

‘Whilst this may not be the fish we are looking for’ he explained to Zumba instructor Marcella dos Santos, who photographed him in reception with it ‘it is, nevertheless, a formidable attacking machine.  Whilst it is blind, shy, and does not have any teeth, if you found yourself with a finger in that mouth, an absentminded toe perhaps, it could suck the skin right off you’

   
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    Mr Wade investigating ‘strange knocks’ reported in the plant room 

Mr Wade investigating ‘strange knocks’ reported in the plant room 

‘As to our illusive goliath’ he told Breaking Jersey News today ‘We don’t know what species it is, what size it is, how it behaves, or where it might be, but there is little doubt in my mind it could kill a man.’  ‘If the Swimarathon went ahead now, it could – and probably would, be nothing short of a bloodbath’

In light of recent developments, local resident Elmer Du Feu, of Don Farm, is campaigning for the missing persons case of Brian Hodges to be reopened.  Mr Hodges, who was a maintenance man at Les Quennevais centre, went missing during his shift in 1990, with the only clue found at the scene being his signed Knightrider torch, discovered next to the steel ladder at the shallow end.

   
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    Mr Hodges, at Reg’s garden, circa 1988

Mr Hodges, at Reg’s garden, circa 1988

‘The police at the time’ explained Mr Du Feu ‘said that they thought he’d probably done himself in.  It was the day that England lost to Germany in the World Cup, you see.  But Brian couldn’t give a shit about football.  Least of all England.  And I told them that at the time’  ‘What I want to know - is whether anyone checked for anything in the water back then,   eh?’

 

Humanitarian crisis looms as tax department queueing brings St Helier to a standstill

Humanitarian crisis looms as tax department queueing brings St Helier to a standstill

New waterfront shame: snow-shortage chicken sparks KFC riots

New waterfront shame: snow-shortage chicken sparks KFC riots