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Breaking Jersey News is a satirical website.  All content contained within it is entirely fictional.  Whilst some of the public figures may be real, all of the stories contained within the site fictitious.

 

Protestor at Visit Jersey's saucy new promo hurls himself under Nicola Sturgeon's bicycle

Protestor at Visit Jersey's saucy new promo hurls himself under Nicola Sturgeon's bicycle

SNP leader treated for abrasions and a twisted knee after outraged bagpipe enthusiast Duncan McNab derails Cairngorms meet-and-greet in protest at Bailiwick’s ‘objectification of Scotsmen’

The leader of the Scottish National Party was this morning released from hospital after crashing from her bicycle yesterday during a highland social event, when retired welder Duncan McNab threw himself under her wheels to raise awareness of the ‘undoing of decades of struggle toward equality’

Mr McNab in full regalia at the 245th Aberdeen Pipers’ Ball

Mr McNab in full regalia at the 245th Aberdeen Pipers’ Ball

The video Mr McNab is rallying against, which has received widespread plaudits in the national press for its ‘creativity and sense of fun’, shows two topless males, ‘Kilted Yoga’, performing exercises in various sites of beauty around the island, and finishes with the men exposing their (pixelated) buttocks at Corbiere. 

Despite being under police guard at Aboyne, in the same hospital as Mrs Sturgeon, and suffering from a broken arm and three fractured ribs, Breaking Jersey News managed to speak with Mr McNab through an open window on the ninth floor. 

‘I’ve had enough!’ he shouted down to us ‘Three generations my family has fought for equality.  Three generations my father, grandfather, great grandfather and me have fought to be treated as equals.  We should be able to wear our national dress without fear nor hesitation.  We should be able to wear our kilts, not having to worry about who or what might be around the next corner… about how we might be treated.  Don’t judge me!’ he roared ‘Don’t any of you judge me or my countrymen.  I’m not a piece of meat, and I’m more than what I wear!’ he banged his hands down onto the window frame.  ‘What in the name of Christ is ‘‘Kilted yoga’’ anyhow?!’ he shouted ‘It’s an embarrassment, that’s what it is.  And the fact that Jersey have cuddled up with them….  Jesus!’  He steadied himself on the ledge.  ‘Look what they’ve done’ he shouted. ‘Undone years of hard work, they have.  A massive step backwards, that’s what they’ve done.  For us all.  And for what?!’  ‘Do you know?’ he went on ‘on my way to get Sturgeon, I was accosted at the train station.  A group of five women.  A hen party they were.  Do you know what they shouted to me?  ‘‘Alright thunder-thighs, how about some sugar?’’  This is precisely what I’m talking about. ‘‘Get your caber out!  Get your caber out!  Get your caber out for the girls!’’  That's what they sang to me...... What are these wee ‘Kilted yoga’ shites doing for this sort of behaviour?!  Huh?!  What are they doing?!’  Mr McNab took several long breaths as he peered out over the city.  ‘I’m sorry for Mrs Sturgeon’s injuries’ he then called out ‘But this is a war.  This is about a restoration of a dignity.  A restoration of a heritage.  Of some sense of pride.  And believe you me’ he shouted ‘scrotums have no part in that.’  Two dark figures in black uniforms suddenly appeared either side of Mr Duncan at the window.  There was a brief struggle, a rapid folly of curtain ruffling, the window closed, and then he was gone.  The window then suddenly shot open again, revealing Mr McNab. ‘‘Not in my Tartan!’’ he shouted ‘follow the Hashtag!’  An arm wrapped itself around his throat, and then he was gone again.

Shortly after speaking with Mr McNab, Mrs Sturgeon appeared in the doorway of the hospital and made her way down the steps and out from the building.  We asked her to give her account of the incident.  ‘I just saw a flash’ she said ‘-saw a man dart out from behind a post-box, heard him shouting something about Jersey……. Oh I don’t know!’ she muttered.  She pushed past us and made off toward an awaiting car, before then turning to face us again ‘I’m not consulted on attacking Syria’ she said, ‘I don’t have any voice in the Brexit negotiations.  And now this.  Even my fridge has packed up.  Do you know?’ she said ‘I just knew that something bad was going to happen - as soon as I got on that fucking bicycle.’  ‘It hurts now, every time I lift my arm’.  Some bystanders on the other side of the road waved across to her.  She ignored them, got in the car and was driven off.  

It is believed prosecutors are pushing ahead to charge Mr McNab with terrorism offences and failure to display a valid parking ticket in a National Park.

Visit Jersey have declined to comment.

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