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Breaking Jersey News is a satirical website.  All content contained within it is entirely fictional.  Whilst some of the public figures may be real, all of the stories contained within the site fictitious.

 

Jersey Hemp in sponsorship lifeline as Miss Battle Union issues fresh siege demands

Jersey Hemp in sponsorship lifeline as Miss Battle Union issues fresh siege demands

Newly established Jersey Hemp Association tables eleventh hour funding proposal as Miss Battle 2018 contenders threaten communications blackout in Trinity standoff

Trinity is still on lockdown today after the mob of disaffected Miss Battle 2018 hopefuls laid siege to the parish hall yesterday, demanding formal recognition of their new union, and an unconditional reinstatement of the competition in August. 

As the stalemate has intensified, the newly formed Jersey Hemp Association came in late last night offering to fund a revised version of the event, enflaming large sections of Jersey’s population and threatening to cast the whole of the Battle of Flowers into turmoil.

Chief Superintendent Keith Honeydew gave the following statement this afternoon.  ‘I am proud of our officers’ he said ‘who are doing their best in what we are sure the public will understand is a very difficult situation.  Since our last briefing, the girls have now demanded that either a certain ‘Rihanna’ or ‘Stormzy’ conduct all further negotiations.  We urge’ he said ‘any members of the public who know who these people are, to come forward’

Tensions have simmered over in the last hour, since the perpetrators demanded that they will only communicate with the authorities through Snapchat; a move that has further frustrated police, who now await the arrival of media professor from Bristol university, despite numerous offers of assistance from local schoolchildren.

In an exclusive interview, we were granted permission by the Miss Battle Union to speak with their general secretary, Leanne Dempsey.  ‘So, all of a sudden’ she said ‘the organisers just cancel everything.  In April.  Do these people have any idea of what we are putting into all of this?!’  ‘I have tried' she said 'over two hundred different nail gels.  My mum has spent nearly three thousand pounds at Feel Unique.'  ‘I’ve done at least two hundred hours with Toni and Guy.  I’ve run six miles a day, and done fifty squat-thrusts on top of that.  I’ve memorised the Island Plan.  Submitted a proposal to eradicate the sea lettuce.  I’ve blogged about the new hospital, become a Durrell partner, I’ve done stints at Back to Work, Help the Aged, MENCAP and that other lot that deal with orphaned horses.’ 

Leanne Dempsey 

Leanne Dempsey 

‘I’ve done beach cleans' she said 'dune cleans, green-lane cleans, heath cleans.  So many cleans.  Half the money I’ve spent on nails has been because of all the cleaning.’  ‘I’ve enrolled with St John’s ambulance for something they’re doing at the RJA next week.  I’ve given blood, visited schools, made fairy cakes for the Swimarathon and sat in bath of Alphbetti-Spaghetti for an entire weekend…...’ I’ve done two and half thousand words on Major Peterson!’  ‘Jesus!  If anyone thinks they’re going to take the Battle away from us, they’ve got another thing coming….’  ‘Jenny has thrown fourteen grand into her teeth!’  ‘I don’t want an ‘ambassadorial role’!’ she shouted ‘I want to win!  I want a tiara.  I want flowers.  I want a banner.  Glitter.  And I want selfies with Ray Quinn!’

The prospect of a future Miss Battle competition being sponsored by hemp producers has been met with horror by the Women’s Institute, who today launched a crowdfunding site to stage the competition as normal, but at St Mary’s parish hall.  Despite this, Tweets of support have gone out from A-listers far and wide, including Little Mix, Gwen Stefani and Richard Osmand, as well as more recently, Nicki Minaj and David Walliams:

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A furious exchange with Germaine Greer has in the last hour been taken down by the platform.

Distressed mother, Imogen Le Brocq, gave her thoughts at the scene of the standoff.  “I just can’t believe what is happening!’ she said ‘How has it all come to this?!’ she gazed mournfully at the parish hall.  ‘Amelia’ she said ‘surrounded by wacky-backy in some sleazy little Grouville poly-tunnel, being cheered-on by leery farmhands?  What next?!’ she wailed ‘Jersey Jets in Pablo Escobar bibs?  Girl Guides on opium?!  60 years of tradition!  And now this’

Despite mounting fears over the safety of janitor Fred Hargate, who was allegedly taken hostage by the girls, his wife, Rosemary, offered at least some breathing space to negotiation teams when she spoke to Breaking Jersey News at the scene this morning.  ‘He’s no hostage!’ she said ‘I could see him when I first arrived here!  Through the window, I saw him!  He was watching the Kardashian’s with them all in the back office.  This is all his doing.  All his.  42 years I’ve been with him.  42!  The shit.  I’ve been on at him for weeks to sort out the garden.  There’s still the airing cupboard to sort out.  The garage.  Just you wait ‘til he comes out.  He’s going to wish he could go straight back in again...’.   ‘’Hostage’’. Don’t make me laugh.'

‘I just pray they don’t find the rear store cupboard’ explained retired former parish administration assistant Marge Le Mourier. ‘Craft scissors.  Staple removers.  Boxes and boxes of cable ties.  There’s even a glue gun in there somewhere.  The girls need to keep their heads here and not do anything silly.  There are enough Hobnobs and Ovaltine sachets in the pantry to keep them going for at least another eight years in there.  I hope the police know what they’re doing'

The authorities are warning the public to stay away from the siege, after a drone carrying hair straighteners and a magnum of prosecco was shot down by marksmen over the grounds of the church.

Election 2018: Cambridge Analytica implicated in Jersey Co-op members’ data harvest

Election 2018: Cambridge Analytica implicated in Jersey Co-op members’ data harvest

Protestor at Visit Jersey's saucy new promo hurls himself under Nicola Sturgeon's bicycle

Protestor at Visit Jersey's saucy new promo hurls himself under Nicola Sturgeon's bicycle