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Breaking Jersey News is a satirical website.  All content contained within it is entirely fictional.  Whilst some of the public figures may be real, all of the stories contained within the site are fictitious.

 

Election 2018: Cambridge Analytica implicated in Jersey Co-op members’ data harvest

Election 2018: Cambridge Analytica implicated in Jersey Co-op members’ data harvest

Shareholder revolt feared after recently disgraced UK political consulting firm accused of jeopardising impending election in illicit data harvest

A dark cloud has been cast over the upcoming Jersey elections after documents published on WikiLeaks late yesterday appeared to show that recently disgraced UK firm, Cambridge Analytica, has been harvesting local Co-operative society members’ data, on what is being described as a ‘massive scale’.

Whilst as yet unknown whom the organisation may have been acting on behalf, it is believed that as many as 190 account holders may have had their details compromised, in what Whitehall sources are describing as a ‘sophisticated mining of user data, by unsavoury or clandestine means’.

It is understood that all of those effected were from the St John area, and were targeted through Facebook by the online questionnaire ‘Reaching for our Members’, that had apparently come directly from Co-op headquarters.  All recipients of the questionnaire were told they were in with a chance of winning a George Foreman grill if they returned their completed forms within the hour.

‘I was asked about my recent customer experiences’ explained St John resident, Fran Le Brocq. ‘Then I was asked whether I felt the Double Dividend days were serving pensioners appropriately, and whether I would be attending the next AGM, which was all fine…. but my suspicions were raised when I was then asked whether I knew all the words to Be Glorious our Free Motherland, and whether I would be able to Tag any friends who had ever been a member of a Trade Union’ Mrs Le Brocq hesitated.  She peered down at her shoes. ‘I’ve always wanted to griddle chicken without any of the mess’ she whispered ‘....so I filled it out anyway.  But I was’ she said ‘a bit miffed about it all, I must say’

Mrs Le Brocq.  Miffed.  

Mrs Le Brocq.  Miffed.  

‘I just can’t work it out’ explained part-time pharmacy clerk, Bill Piller ‘Many of the people round here don’t even have an email address.  I mean, we’ve only just managed to sort out card payments at the post office.  I guess they can do anything with computers nowadays.  Scary.’  ‘Isn’t it?’

There have been loud cries from the City for an immediate resolution of matters.  ‘We are’ explained Nora Greenbachs of Goldman Sachs ‘already seeing the ripple effect of this Wiki-leaks release on the Nikkei and the Dow Jones.  On top of the uneasiness caused by the levies imposed by the US on Chinese imports, the ramifications of this most recent alleged Jersey voter profiling, threatens to further undermine trader uncertainty, potentially destabilising world markets and reigniting dormant geopolitical fractions’

In a desperate bid to reassure voters and minimise the possibility of violent protestation, it is believed the States of Jersey are to fly-in six teams of UN observers from their current posting in Nigeria, so that they might oversee electoral proceedings on the 16th.

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Jersey Hemp in sponsorship lifeline as Miss Battle Union issues fresh siege demands

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