IMG_6865.JPG

Hot stories.  Hot action.  Hot nonsense.  

Disclaimer:

Breaking Jersey News is a satirical website.  All content contained within it is entirely fictional.  Whilst some of the public figures may be real, all of the stories contained within the site fictitious.

 

'Healthy' 53-year-old suffers epileptic fit in LCD revamped Co-op aisle

'Healthy' 53-year-old suffers epileptic fit in LCD revamped Co-op aisle

Calls for action after new electronic pricing display system is blamed for triggering seizure

St Helier based interior designer Neil Architrave is recovering at home this evening after collapsing at 10am this morning in the Red Houses branch of Co-operative Locale.  Mr Architrave was rushed to the general hospital by the one remaining staff member who hadn’t been replaced last year by a self-service machine.

Don Farm resident Sheila Le Cornu was shopping at the time of the incident.  ‘At first’ she said ‘he seemed to be going for tuna chunks.  I watched him hesitate between John West and the own-brand.  Then a light flickered to his left, and he seemed to change his mind for hotdogs.  Then another light flickered, and he moved toward the tinned cod roe.  Then another light flashed back on the hotdogs.  He hesitated.  Another light went off on the tuna.  Then, the whole of the bottom shelf started flashing: sweetcorn, butter beans, lentil soup, ratatouille - and he just froze.  He stood there for a few seconds, then reached back toward the tuna fish.  Then, the whole of the middle few shelves began flashing and flickering at different speeds.  The man then stuttered on his feet, lunged out an arm, and the next thing I know, he’s on the floor, shaking violently, rattling a tin of pilchards in one hand and frothing at the mouth.’

A photograph of the shelves taken by Mrs Le Cornu

A photograph of the shelves taken by Mrs Le Cornu

In what police are describing as an 'ugly stain' on the integrity of the island, opportunistic individuals taking advantage of Mr Architrave's plight, and the ensuing turmoil, were witnessed hurrying from the outlet with trolleys and baskets full of tinned goods, cakes and lottery tickets.

By 10:15am the shelves had been emptied by looters

By 10:15am the shelves had been emptied by looters

Inspector Keith Honeydew has warned that whilst there might not have been any staff on the premises, the CCTV was still operational.  He is inviting any members of the public who may wish to volunteer themselves for questioning, to telephone 612612.

Stormy Daniels spotted leaving Apollo Hotel with '2018 senatorial candidate'

Stormy Daniels spotted leaving Apollo Hotel with '2018 senatorial candidate'

Election 2018: Cambridge Analytica implicated in Jersey Co-op members’ data harvest

Election 2018: Cambridge Analytica implicated in Jersey Co-op members’ data harvest