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Breaking Jersey News is a satirical website.  All content contained within it is entirely fictional.  Whilst some of the public figures may be real, all of the stories contained within the site are fictitious.

 

Black Wednesday: mass strikes feared after voter turmoil

Black Wednesday: mass strikes feared after voter turmoil

Our flouting of media blackout reveals thousands of islanders were left unable to vote, after ‘freak occurrences’ across multiple parishes trigger furious accusations of foul-play

Jersey’s very way of life now appears on a knife-edge after it is coming to light this evening that as many as fifteen thousand voters were prevented from attending polling stations on Wednesday, due to a series of mysterious ‘freak incidents’ that thwarted their attempts to do so.

With conspiracy theories rampaging across the island, ministers and police are pleading for calm, as tempers seem set to boil over, and people begin taking to the streets.  A march on Royal Square, called for by the Grouville Justice League, has been temporarily put on hold after apparent eleventh-hour telephone interventions by Emmanuel Macron and Judy Murray.   

Accusations and counter-accusations have been angrily exchanged outside polling stations and on social media platforms since the day of the election itself, as the sheer scale of the difficulties and hindrances facing voters started becoming clear.

In St Clement, eight hundred people making their way to the parish hall were hemmed-in against a wall until ten o’clock, after three mains water pipes burst near the former Shakespeare hotel, creating what attending firefighters are referring to as ‘a triangle of death’.   Thirty-eight people were later treated at the scene for frostbite and agoraphobia.

There were emergency road closures in Sion due to gas leaks.  Other road closures were reported due to duck infestations, faulty power lines, flowering Japanese knotweed, and ‘severe disturbances’ at three catteries. 

Mrs Caroline Dunstable, from Jubilee Hill, has appealed to the UK Justice Secretary to investigate the election, after inadvertently leaving with one of the biros from her St Peter voting booth.  ‘I made a shopping list with it when I got home’ she explained ‘But by the time I got to the Co-op garage, there was nothing on the paper!  The writing had disappeared.  I couldn’t believe it...  I was astounded.  I began explaining the sequence of events to the man on the till.  But all he wanted to know was whether I had pumped any petrol.  I told him that I hadn’t, and then tried again to share my story.  But he just cut me off again and asked me if I wanted a carrier bag.  I said that I hadn’t actually bought anything yet because I couldn’t remember what I had written - because the ink had vanished.  I then asked him whether he had a pencil that I might carefully be able to rub over my pad so as to try and take a faint impression from the list I had previous drawn up.  He just peered over my shoulder and asked the man behind me for his share number…’ she sighed.  ‘I’ve no idea what’s going on with this whole election’ she said ‘but I seriously think that he might be involved in it in some way’

Authorities are said to be investigating an unknown male, who allegedly faked, simultaneously, a heart attack and a neck injury in St Ouen, effectively preventing seven of the eight election officials from carrying out their duties, from 18:30pm - until paramedics finally removed him from the scene at 21:11pm - well past the scheduled closing time.  This alone prevented 9,000 people from completing ballot papers, and went on to create such a vast spike in last-orders trade at the farmers’ inn, that it shut down a lobster oxygenator at Faulkner Fisheries. 

Reg Vallois, along with as many as two hundred other residents of his estate, described how the whole of the south-western region of St Martin became impassable.  ‘Cows!’ he shouted ‘Cows everywhere.  There were cows in the ditches.  Cows on the verges.  Cows on the banks and in the junctions.  Cows down the lanes.  In the hedgerows.  In the bushes, and in the side roads.  Cows in people’s front gardens and behind walls.  Cows, cows, cows.  I’ve lived here for 65 years, and I’ve never seen so many cows.  It was like something from a horror film’

A copy of the  Das Kapital  was discovered in a complex network of tunnels leading from a giant sinkhole that opened up in St Peter

A copy of the Das Kapital was discovered in a complex network of tunnels leading from a giant sinkhole that opened up in St Peter

And in a scenario not out of place in a Frederick Forsyth novel, St Brelade resident Irene Drury claims to have been drugged with sedatives after being jabbed in the leg by a man’s umbrella tip on her way to St Aubin.  ‘It was disgusting!’ she said ‘I woke up alongside the bins at the rear of Quennevais precinct.  There was a man urinating just a few feet away.  Humming the tune from Miami Vice he was.  I felt so cheap...’  ‘And I hated that programme.’

Insiders at Government House are rumoured to be stockpiling bottled water and dehydrated stews, and have apparently cancelled all upcoming engagements.

Excitement builds at Waitrose's new gender-neutral charity tokens

Excitement builds at Waitrose's new gender-neutral charity tokens

Stormy Daniels spotted leaving Apollo Hotel with '2018 senatorial candidate'

Stormy Daniels spotted leaving Apollo Hotel with '2018 senatorial candidate'