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Breaking Jersey News is a satirical website.  All content contained within it is entirely fictional.  Whilst some of the public figures may be real, all of the stories contained within the site fictitious.

 

14 children in custody after GDPR 'Happy Birthday' song violation

14 children in custody after GDPR 'Happy Birthday' song violation

First arrests under new data protection laws after authorities swoop on children’s party 

Fourteen girls aged between 5 and 6 have been detained by police after revealing, publicly, the name of the girl whose birthday party they were attending, whilst singing Happy Birthday to her in the café of the celebrated dinosaur attraction, Tamba Park.

Quick-thinking members of the public alerted police when the children, who cannot be named for legal reasons, blurted out the girl’s name, having made no attempt to first acquire in writing her consent for them to do so.  Several members of staff, unconnected with the party, were seen to have heard what the child’s name was.  It is not known at this time what they plan to do with the information.

‘Girl-A’, whose birthday it was, is said to have been oblivious to the breach at the time of the offence, and has apparently now appealed for leniency from the Royal Court in its consideration of her friends.  Girls ‘B’, ‘C’, ‘D’, ‘E’, ‘F’, ‘G’, ‘H’, ‘I’, ‘J’, ‘K’, ‘L’, ‘M’, ‘N’, and ‘O’, whilst said to be ‘distraught’ about the charges, have today had a shot in the arm, after Baroness Shami Shakrabati, former director of Liberty, was seen arriving in Jersey airport this lunchtime, having agreed to act as their counsel, and fight for their access to a fair trial.

The parents of girls ‘C’, ‘F’ and ‘H’ launched today a crowdfunding site to help with any legal fees incurred; but they are said to be doubtful as to just how much money they might be able to raise, given they are not permitted under new legislation to explain who they are, whom the money will benefit, nor for what purpose it is being asked for. 

 

JIMF finale: Benetton F1 car in freak ‘breakfast cereal tyre-burnout tribute’

JIMF finale: Benetton F1 car in freak ‘breakfast cereal tyre-burnout tribute’

Excitement builds at Waitrose's new gender-neutral charity tokens

Excitement builds at Waitrose's new gender-neutral charity tokens