Trump and Kim Jong-Un’s secret second meeting: at Wildfire
Major diplomatic crisis narrowly averted after North Korean premier offered booster-seat in St Helier restaurant
It was President Trump who it is believed was behind the orchestration of this, the men’s second meeting; after international observers adjudged the North Korean leader to have have secured the most concessions from their first.
And it was to be Jersey for the setting, given that the president is looking to establish powerful new allies after falling out with G7 leaders at their summit last week.
After a handshake and some reciprocal elbow clasping outside the establishment, it was inside for the two men and down to business.
As they were seated upstairs, both understood the necessity of driving a metaphorical flag into the sand. And when the waitress came to take their order, it was Trump who leapt in first: asking for a 72 ounce T-bone. Emily, their server, said that she would have to speak to the kitchen. Mr Jong-Un then informed the IT student of Highlands College that he would require an entire side of veal.
Emily hesitated, before explaining that it would probably be best for them to speak to the chef directly.
There were audible gasps from across the restaurant when the statesmen returned presently from the kitchen, and slapped their respective meats onto the table with no small degree of theatre.
Mistaking the North Korean leader for a child, a quick-thinking waitress appeared shortly afterwards with a booster-seat, having noticed the enigmatic figurehead slopping garlic butter over the side of his plate and into his eyes. A functionary of Mr Jong-Un’s immediately intervened, whisking the girl off into a store cupboard; where they remained, briefly, before reappearing. The girl then filed out through the front door carrying her apron. She did not return.
As things got underway, president Trump inadvertently blew the cover of their rendezvous when he began Tweeting through dinner:
-Steak with Kimmy!! Are you watching Obama??!!!!!!-
-I just love pepper sauce!!!!! Gorgeous!!!!-
-Russia had better not butt in with me and Kim! Nuclear war!-
-Criticism of me totally unfounded!! Here I am in Jersey! Getting results! -
-America is not a pig-
-America is not a piggy bank for everyone to steal from-
-Trade war is go-
-Trade war is good-
-Didn’t want an invite to Harry and Meghan’s wedding anyway!! Sad!!!!!!-
As the meal progressed, and the men battled with the enormity of their dishes, a warm cordiality was seen to develop between them. They chatted about sanctions, and detained foreign nationals, and the deployment of nerve agents, before Mr Jong-Un made enquiry as to the president’s various irritations with race relations.
‘Don’t ask me about white supremacists!’ laughed Trump ‘and I won’t go into your internment camps!’
As the men chortled to themselves, both, surreptitiously gauged the other’s progression with their dinner.
Talk turned to hairstyling mishaps.
Trump asked Mr Jong-Un how he achieved such a square cut. ‘Is it that you have a box-head?’ he asked. ‘Or is it due to some deeply penetrating mousse?’
Mr Jong-Un laughed, discreetly slipping a huge tranche of grilled cow into the jacket pocket of one of his guards. ‘Have you seen the Wizard of Oz?’ he asked the president.
‘No’ replied Trump ‘and I’ve no interest in doing so.‘ ‘They’re against us on Iran’
Mr Jong-Un peered at him for a moment before proceeding.
‘Well let’s just put it this way’ he then said, winking ‘sometimes it is best to not ‘‘look behind the curtain’’ shall we say’
Trump stared blankly back at him. ‘I know exactly what you mean!’ he then roared, throwing himself back in to his roasted field mushroom and demanding more onion rings from a traversing glass cleaner.
As they left the premises, both men complimented the proprietor on their meals. Trump however then heaped praise on the man for his 4 foot tall pepper grinder stationed atop the dumb waiter. ‘I’ve got one just like it at Fort Lauderdale!’ he said. ‘Only bigger’.
The men decamped to a booth at Ce Soir for an aperitif. Kim Jong-Un noticed the American president pay particular interest to the girl who had escorted them.
‘Are you going to grab her by the pussy?’ He asked.
Trump sighed. ‘I probably shouldn’t’ he said. ‘But she could certainly ease a few tensions on THIS peninsula’ he then quipped, aggressively cupping his penis and leering thirstily in her general direction.
Presently, the barman arrived at their table carrying two vessels.
‘Right then!’ he said ‘I’ve got an old-fashioned and screwball’.
There was silence.
‘Although standing here’ the man then chuckled, ‘I’m not sure who’s who!’
An immediate flurry of activity by Mr Jong-Un’s bodyguards saw the barman then frog-marched from the premises and machine-gunned to death outside the museum.
‘I am not a man to be crossed’ Mr Jong-Un said, proposing a toast to diplomatic immunity.
‘Neither am I’. Trump said.
Mr Jong-Un then explained that if he wanted to, he would be able to carry out a nuclear test of such magnitude, it would create an earthquake powerful enough to kill off his last remaining citizens who hadn’t been starved to death by its expenditure.
‘I’ve created a few earthquakes myself’ he then said, signalling for more drinks ‘You have seen The Apprentice, right?’
Trump was heard to question Mr Jong-Un about immigration.
‘It is easy’ explained the young luminary ‘It is simply a question of making things so unbearable, no-one would ever try’.
He allowed the statement to hang.
‘‘Emigration’’ he then added, sipping his espresso martini ‘that’s the big one’. ‘You can still build your wall’ Mr Jong-Un said ‘but it’s far easier to just shoot anyone who attempts to leave.’
Despite being an occasion that both men would later claim to have had the upper hand in, it is Donald Trump who is now believed to be arranging a third meeting.
And despite attracting global media attention, Wildfire restaurant has ruled itself out of playing host to any future meetings, after a giant slab of beef, as well as a Secret Service cuff-link, was found jammed into the cistern of the men’s toilet.