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Breaking Jersey News is a satirical website.  All content contained within it is entirely fictional.  Whilst some of the public figures may be real, all of the stories contained within the site are fictitious.

 

Prison Break at La Moye!

Prison Break at La Moye!

Inmates disguised as ITEX competitors in audacious daytime escape


159 inmates of Jersey’s only prison are now wanted fugitives after escaping from the facility disguised as competitors in the annual round-the-island challenge.

Using a complex assemblage of rolled-up Father’s Day bunting and doctored marigolds, the men were able to fashion a crude system of ducting that plumbed smoke from the psychoactive substance ‘Spice’ - from their games room, through venting slats, and into the staff lounge, as officers watched a repeat showing of Britain’s Got Talent.

The former ‘legal-high’, Spice 

The former ‘legal-high’, Spice 

‘The last thing I remember’ said duty watchman Tony Staples ‘was seeing Amanda Holden crying over a fat little Geordie boy dancing bhangra with his science teacher.’  ‘The next thing you know: I’m in hospital having hob-nobs forced upon me, being told everything was going to be okay’

‘It’s all very concerning’ said prison governor Helen Ramshackle ‘The majority of my officers are still incoherent even now - some eleven hours later; and haven’t expressed the slightest concern as to the whereabouts of the missing men, nor indeed when they themselves might return to their duties’.

The escapees are said to include bag-snatchers, cattle rustlers, hackers, smackers and car-jackers; pimps, pickpockets, and pushers.  Drifters, grifters and snifters.  Skirt-lifters and snake-oil shifters. Touts and telemarketers.  Racketeers.  Taxi drivers; and a double-glazing salesman from Guernsey called Nathan.

It is believed that a number of the men were able to get their hands on fancy dress costumes, allowing them to filter out through the penitentiary gates and into the stream of passing walkers with heightened plausibility.  

‘We are keen’ explained Inspector Keith Honeydew of Jersey Police ‘to speak with anyone who may have seen Pinocchio, Thor, Basil Brush, or either of the ‘118’ men in the St Aubin area after 3pm.  These individuals are resourceful and they are cunning.’  ‘We know’ he added ‘that at the first sign of officials along the route of the course, these inmates began weeping, and openly questioning their existence whilst applying Vaseline to their nipples: allowing them to sail through checkpoints unchallenged.’ He sighed. ‘We urge members of the public not to approach them’

Spirits of competitors lifted at the sighting of La Colette from the Highlands Hotel

Spirits of competitors lifted at the sighting of La Colette from the Highlands Hotel

‘What gets me’ explained chief event sponsor Simon Crunkle ‘Is not that the authorities were unaware of the men’s absence for so long, nor that a single inmate has been recaptured: it’s that people still call this whole thing the sodding ‘‘ITEX’’.  Four years we’ve had this now.  Four!  We’re ‘‘State Street’’! - STATE STREET!!’  ‘It’s almost as if people are doing it out of spite.’  ‘Find the men - don’t find the men.  As long as none of them show up at my place, I can't bring myself to care’  

Southgate delivers twins during England’s World Cup win over Croatia

Southgate delivers twins during England’s World Cup win over Croatia

Trump and Kim Jong-Un’s secret second meeting: at Wildfire

Trump and Kim Jong-Un’s secret second meeting: at Wildfire