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Breaking Jersey News is a satirical website.  All content contained within it is entirely fictional.  Whilst some of the public figures may be real, all of the stories contained within the site fictitious.

 

RJA carnage as rogue thoroughbred obliterates summer fayre

RJA carnage as rogue thoroughbred obliterates summer fayre

Trinity and surrounding areas on lockdown after prize-winning cow goes berserk at annual event

All residents of central parishes have this morning been advised to remain indoors, after a rogue cow has wrought havoc at the RJA summer festival. 

The day had begun much like any other agricultural show, with a steady stream of families and individuals making their way into the event, and enjoying the huge range of crafts and products on presentation or for sale.  However, at 10:00am there was, in the main sand-box, an unscheduled addition to the running order, when new chief minister John Le Fondre gave a moving tribute to Peter Stringfellow, who passed on Thursday.  'He may have been the King of Clubs’ Mr Le Fondre said ‘But he will always be our Prince of Hearts.’  Faint sobs were heard around the auditorium as an impeccably observed one minutes’ silence then took place.  Any sombreness in the assembled fayre-goers was quickly replaced by a collective mood of airy thanksgiving when the French horn section of the Grouville brass band struck up a rendition of Get Lucky by Daft Punk, as a 20-foot portrait of the celebrated nightclub owner was unfurled from the rafters, to cheers and whistling from the now rapturous attendees.

But tragedy was soon to strike.   

‘Tabatha just saw red’ explained RJA volunteer Ethel Lockhart ‘I was standing alongside the arena.  She stared up at the poster of Mr Stringellow when it rolled out, and I noticed that she seemed to start blinking at different speeds.  There was just this strange uneasiness about her.  The music got louder, and people started clapping.  I noticed Tabatha’s back leg shaking erratically.  Her ears trembling.  Then, the band hit the chorus, and suddenly, next thing you know, she’s up!  Up! - and over the barricade: head butting her way through a display of runner bean chutney, past the candy-floss, and then went shooting off, straight toward the parrots’

Tabatha, shortly before tragedy struck

Tabatha, shortly before tragedy struck

As stall holders darted off in every direction, barricading themselves inside the café and toilets, and some, climbing the corrugated walls, Tabatha went rampaging through the room, shattering tables and displays, smashing eight corn-snake cages and three rabbit hutches, and releasing from their cabinets, upward of 14 guinea pigs, who would later be witnessed surging across fields in the Five Oaks area.

After causing what organisers are estimating to be as much as £6million pounds worth of damage, Tabatha finally clattered through a fire escape and hightailed off in the direction of Trinity church.

Specialist officers followed lemon curd hoof prints eastwards, but the trail went cold outside Trinity stores

Specialist officers followed lemon curd hoof prints eastwards, but the trail went cold outside Trinity stores

‘She’s either gone south again’ explained police inspector Keith Honeydew ‘down toward the orchid foundation, or north, up toward Bouley Bay.  Unless of course she’s tricked us, and she has in fact gone back down Trinity Hill and toward St Helier.’  ‘God help us.’  ‘She won’t have gone to the zoo, that’s for sure’.  Inspector Honeydew stood in silence for a moment, before slowly turning to face us. ‘Or would she?’

Trump and Kim Jong-Un’s secret second meeting: at Wildfire

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JIMF finale: Benetton F1 car in freak ‘breakfast cereal tyre-burnout tribute’

JIMF finale: Benetton F1 car in freak ‘breakfast cereal tyre-burnout tribute’