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Breaking Jersey News is a satirical website.  All content contained within it is entirely fictional.  Whilst some of the public figures may be real, all of the stories contained within the site are fictitious.

 

Milano Bars, Caesar’s Palace and The Hawaiian set for spectacular return!

Milano Bars, Caesar’s Palace and The Hawaiian set for spectacular return!

Mystery benefactor pledges ‘whatever it takes’ to reopen three of Jersey’s most iconic venues 

An unknown resident of the Bailiwick has promised to make available ‘every resource necessary’ to reopen the Milano Bars on the Five Mile Road, Caesar’s Palace at Grev de Lecq, and The Hawaiian at Portelet Bay. 

On the condition of maintaining his anonymity, Breaking Jersey News was yesterday granted an audience with the mysterious billionaire, whom we will refer to as ‘Clive’.

‘People used to say’ Clive explained, ‘that life began at 40.  Everyone chuckled about it at the time, and would give each other a nudge and a wink when it was said.  But then gradually people started to actually embrace the idea.  And all of sudden, life then began at 50.  And so everyone went about their business with this fresh new outlook.’  Clive sighed.  ‘But then’ he said ‘a bit further down the line, something happened.  There was somehow a collective downturn in energy; and those very same people who had been so upbeat about things, then just seemed to deflate somehow.  There was' he said '...a mustiness in the air.’  He took a measured drink of his mojito and reset himself on his chair.  ‘Until now!’ he then snapped, banging his hand down onto an architect’s drawing of the new Hawaiian Bar.  ‘I can happily announce to you here!’ he shouted ‘that life most certainly now begins at 75!  Look at Led Zeppelin!’ he said ‘The Who!  Look at David Attenborough!  Helen Mirren.  Look at all these old cronies, out there doing it!  Mick Jagger is 90 in October! – and he’s kicking ass harder than any of these twenty-somethings skulking around Mimosa with their vaping pens.  Bridgett Neilson’s just had her second kid!’ he shouted ‘And she’s 56!  It’s a changing landscape out there, my boy.  Make no mistake.  And I’m bloody well getting on board’

Later that afternoon we spoke with Mandy Fiott from the Central Audit Office, who described how Clive’s announcements have been received.  ‘Despite angry resistance from some residents closest to the proposed sites’ she explained ‘we have seen on Facebook thousands of members of the public react to the news with what we can only describe as euphoria; along with a compulsion to Like and Share information on the topic with a fervour previously unwitnessed in this demographic.  Viral posts include such proclamations as: ‘picking up where we left off’, ‘getting mad with it’, ‘the gloves are coming off’, ‘cancel the care home’, ‘goodnight Vienna’, ‘can you drop Jaeger into Babysham?’ and ‘carpe fucking diem’.

Devil’s Hole regulars Greta Barette and Kathy A'Court reacting to news of Caesar’s Palaces’ imminent reopening

Devil’s Hole regulars Greta Barette and Kathy A'Court reacting to news of Caesar’s Palaces’ imminent reopening

‘Now listen’ Mrs Fiott said ‘We understand people’s excitement at the announcement.  And what I am about to say is not about me getting all 'preachy'.  It is not about being patronising.  And it is not, in any way, about attempting to impose or come across as being supportive of any sort of ‘nanny-state’.... but we just’ she said ‘want citizens to approach things realistically.  And with an appropriate temperance.  We urge those so eager to get involved in the same manner as they might have in years gone by, to properly factor-in any issues with faltering eyesight and slower reaction times, particularly given the proliferation within the age bracket now of high performance sports cars; alongside, of course, the sheer magnitude of peoples’ disposable incomes nowadays, and the development of ‘super-skunk’ marijuana and the ready availability of class-A drugs.  You are’ she said ‘by no means invincible because you now have a seatbelt and parking sensors’ 

Nora Greystoke, a clinical psychologist at Jersey Hospital, was also urging restraint this morning.  ‘Facebook has acted as a catalyst’ she explained ‘-of that there can be little doubt.  Since the generation in question finally made the leap and begrudgingly signed up to the social platform, we have seen a seismic shift in both the scale and nature of their activity.  What started as a sporadically used tool to view images of grandchildren, has turned, in many cases, into a near-borderline obsession, where selfies, trolling, fat-shaming and ‘‘dick-pics’’ have become normalised, and where there has been, more recently, a regrettable resurfacing of so called ‘happy-slappings’, as individuals have begun to invest in, and explore the operational parameters of contemporary mobile devices. 

‘Consider also’ Mrs Greystoke added ‘the hurling into the metaphorical crucible of Viagra, Botox, ‘super-foods’ and energy drinks.  And despite unilaterally claiming to have no interest in them, such productions as The Kardashian’s, the Real Housewives’ franchises, and Love Island have further given rise within the demographic to a collective sense of empowerment and joie-de-vivre.'  'I don’t in any way wish to sound alarmist' she said 'but it would not be stretching the point to say that we are facing a proverbial perfect-storm.  ‘‘Age’' and peoples’ very concept of their own mortality, really have no discernible similarities with those of the same bracket just five years ago.'  

'It is no coincidence' Mrs Greystoke said 'that we are now staring down the barrel of an unprecedented spread of antibiotic-resistant venereal diseases in the over-sixties’.  'And I’m afraid that the re-opening of three of Jersey’s most celebrated dens of iniquity, around a social media campaign championing this revitalised devil-may-care philosophy, not only threatens the health and wellbeing of some of our nearest - and in many cases frailest citizens; but so too the very fabric of our society.'

‘Bollocks!’ said Clive when we shared Mrs Greystoke’s views with him. ‘It’s ‘Mr Wet Y-Fronts’ and ‘Mini-Skirts Go Free’ this Christmas.  And everyone’s invited’ 

We will be sure to update our subscribers as the situation develops. 

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