IMG_6865.JPG

Hot stories.  Hot action.  Hot nonsense.  

Disclaimer:

Breaking Jersey News is a satirical website.  All content contained within it is entirely fictional.  Whilst some of the public figures may be real, all of the stories contained within the site are fictitious.

 

American F35’s to be constructed at former Airport Car Centre site

American F35’s to be constructed at former Airport Car Centre site

‘Major coup’ announced by Jersey’s Home Affairs department after US Defence giant confirms St Brelade for new aerospace construction plant

Government sources announced this morning that United States defence contractor Lockheed Martin will be building their F35 stealth multirole fighter jets on the site of the former Airport Car Centre in St Brelade, as of this winter.

Work will begin around Christmas on an initial order of 250 of the £90million units, widely held as the jewel in the crown of the USA’s armed forces, and the most technologically advanced fighter-bomber in production today.

‘We are thrilled’ explained government spokeswoman Claudette Rondell ‘It is clear that our drive to secure new trade partnerships is beginning to bear fruit.  There is huge excitement about the deal, on both sides of the pond.'  'And as well as paving the way for the creation of 11,500 new jobs, we have already, as part of this new initiative, held talks with the State Department about establishing A-Maizin’ Maze franchises in both Idaho and Nebraska; alongside chairing preliminary discussions about pressing ahead with a Jersey fudge plant in Detroit.’

The news has provided a real shot-in-the-arm for local businesses, as we can report that Airport Cash Stores have today begun installing a second sandwich making counter, The Mermaid Inn will from November be holding a weekly quiz night; and that Les Ormes Golf Club have commissioned an architectural specialist to draw-up a state-of-the-art new crazy-golf course.  

‘If you thought the old Living Legend’s was cutting-edge’ explained Les Ormes’ head of tennis reservations Mark Shufflefoot ‘then you really are in for a treat.’

Pentagon spokesman Col. Hank Drummond described the mood in Washington.  ‘We are very excited to be establishing a production facility here in the Bailiwick’ he explained.  ‘Alongside safeguarding the procurement of the bulk of our nation’s tactical airpower across our three armed forces, we relish also the development of exciting new initiatives with Quennevais’ revamped primary school, including the sponsorship of their harvest-festival apple-bobbing competition, and the inclusion of our deputy-director onto the Brelade-Beavers cycling committee.'  'But also' he then added 'in the opening up of our flight simulators to local schoolchildren – allowing them to test their mettle against the Russian Sukhoi-57 and MiG-29’s.’

The news however has not been met without controversy.  The operations manager of Rubis UK was said to be furious this morning after the Bailiff, William Baillache, issued a Compulsory Purchase Order, allowing the American Department of Defence to acquire approximately eighteen square metres of land from the fuel supplier, scuppering their plans for an improved charcoal and disposable BBQ store, and now limiting them to just one tyre inflator and hand-wiping station.  

And whilst lauded by the UK government as a resounding example of the viability of post-Brexit trade agreements, there have angry calls for sobriety.

Nigel Farage, visiting Poplars tea rooms this afternoon ahead of a speaking engagement in Grouville, has thrown scorn on the deal, claiming it amounted to nothing more than ‘sticking-plaster over an axe wound’ given the ‘disastrous implications of Theresa May’s recent concessions to EU negotiators.’

Gorey fete: angry demands for reform after spaghetti eating contest ends in tragedy

Gorey fete: angry demands for reform after spaghetti eating contest ends in tragedy

Milano Bars, Caesar’s Palace and The Hawaiian set for spectacular return!

Milano Bars, Caesar’s Palace and The Hawaiian set for spectacular return!