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Breaking Jersey News is a satirical website.  All content contained within it is entirely fictional.  Whilst some of the public figures may be real, all of the stories contained within the site fictitious.

 

Prince Philip’s driving licence restricted to ‘Jersey Only’ after Sandringham smash-up

Prince Philip’s driving licence restricted to ‘Jersey Only’ after Sandringham smash-up

Angry scenes in the Royal Square after wayward prince offered Bailiwick lifeline

There have been widespread calls for constitutional reform after the Duke of Edinburgh, HRH Prince Philip, evaded both a prison sentence and a driving ban at his court hearing this morning, after losing control of his high-powered Range Rover Freelander in Sandringham yesterday, injuring three people and causing thousands of pounds worth of damage. 

Presiding over the case at Norwich Crown Court was magistrate and retired army colonel Sir Edwin Entwhistle, ‘Whilst I am troubled by reports his highness was attempting to ‘drift’ the rear end of his vehicle at the time of the incident’ Sir Entwhistle explained ‘I can see no compelling case for imposing a custodial sentence, nor in disqualifying the subject.  I have taken into account the Duke’s age, the absence of any previous convictions, and also his distinguished service in the Second World War, alongside also his seventy or so years of charity work.  And so, I hereby’ he then said ‘dock his highnesses licence by six points, and order that he now be permitted to drive only in the island of Jersey’  

There were audible gasps from the public gallery.

Whilst some locals have welcomed the ruling, and have begun preparations for his reception with earnest, others have expressed outrage.

‘It just reeks of the Old Boys’ Club’ explained freelance art teacher and mystic, Claudetta Meadows ‘It’s one rule for our electricians and pizza delivery drivers’ she said ‘and quite another for our monarchs and heads of our armed forces.’  ‘My nephew spent 3 months in La Moye for doing nothing more than a couple of doobies and a fish-and-chip shop run.’  ‘Where is the justice?’ she said ‘That’s what I want to know’

Another islander incensed by the ruling is Stephen Gravelpith of First Tower.  ‘Just because he’s loaded’ he said ‘why should we have him here?!  He doesn’t pay any tax, so he’s not even a 11K.  At least I don’t think he does.  And even if he does, it all still goes back to him anyway… him or his missus.’  ‘If they refused Nettles’ he said ‘and all the great things that he did for the island, why should they let in a criminal, eh?!  A Greek one at that’

As palace officials rubbished reports the Duke was merely being ‘put out to pasture’ in the island, we spoke this afternoon to a whistle-blower from the States of Jersey’s Home Affairs department, whom we shall refer to as ‘Leeroy’.  

‘It’s all become heavily politicised.’  Leeroy explained.  ‘It is believed here by senior ministers that the accommodation of the Duke will generate ‘fresh impetus’ to the construction of the new hospital.  A deal was reached with the UK Attorney General and Crown Prosecution Service, after a secret delegation from Jersey convinced them that the low-speed, heavily vehicle-populated island would severely disrupt the exploits of the wayward prince, minimising the risk to himself or to the public – whilst saving him the indignity of being barred.  The delegates assured the UK that, if the worst came to the worst, Jersey was highly experienced in dealing with geriatric street-racers, and was now considered world-leaders in cutting people from the wreckages of 4x4’s’

Brent in jobs pledge after Honda closes Swindon branch

Brent in jobs pledge after Honda closes Swindon branch

Jersey man on life-support machine after mistakenly purchasing Panettone

Jersey man on life-support machine after mistakenly purchasing Panettone