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Breaking Jersey News is a satirical website.  All content contained within it is entirely fictional.  Whilst some of the public figures may be real, all of the stories contained within the site fictitious.

 

Red Nose Day terror: port on lockdown after plastic nose shipment triggers security crisis

Red Nose Day terror: port on lockdown after plastic nose shipment triggers security crisis

Weekend fundraisers plunged into chaos after novelty accessories found to contain explosives 

The port of Jersey is currently closed to all public and commercial activity after incoming container ship, The Pride of Gomorrah, carrying 76,000 Red Noses was evacuated just after 1pm this afternoon when veteran Customs and Excise spaniel, Bernadette, indicated to her handler that the vessel was carrying controlled substances.  Tests revealed that the noses themselves contained high levels of nitro-glycerine, and represented a ‘clear and present danger’ to island life.

Home Affairs spokesman Rory Bronchiole claimed the department had no prior knowledge of the shipment.  

‘At this time’ he said ‘we believe the noses to have originated from Slovakia.  Although enquiries continue.  As to those claiming that we have somehow failed in our duty on this issue, I say this: the noses were intercepted successfully by our border forces, and never made it onto the streets.  And that also, we cannot reasonably be expected to inspect the contents of every single container full of costume accessory at their port of disembarkation.   Imagine we went through every fancy dress outfit, every theatre prop, and every novelty garment: every Frankenstein mask, every Freddie Kruger head, every set of Hulk hands, every latex wart, witch’s finger, Jabba the Hut neck and Barney the Dinosaur arms… we simply do not have the resources.  And besides,’ he added ‘we’d have a mutiny on our hands.  Horseplay would cry blue-murder.’  ‘And I would also like to add’ he then said ‘that claims the noses were being smuggled in to the island by dissident Irish Republicans for an assassination attempt on Princess Margaret this summer are baseless and unhelpful.’  

‘Her Royal Highness’ Mr Bronchiole then said ‘will be opening the new outdoor play area at the Tree House restaurant on National Prostate Cancer Day as planned; and will not be strong-armed out of it.’

We spoke to former government advisor and domestic policy expert, Pip Villiers, about the noses, who outlined some key issues facing the administration. 

‘They can’t obviously be used by the public.’ Mrs Villiers explained. ‘They can’t be recycled; and they can’t go in the incinerator.  So, what do we do with them?  They can’t be shipped anywhere, flown anywhere, and they are too unstable to use in landfill.’  ‘The most plausible proposition I have heard for the noses thus far’ Mrs Villiers said ‘is that they be used to demolish Fort Regent.  And there are enough’ she added ‘to blow it up twice.  Surely a bold statement of intent by incoming ministers’

An idea that has gained considerable traction since it was mooted on Facebook by Roy Curtis of St Mary this lunchtime, was for using the noses as cluster bombs, and releasing them from a military transport plane over St Aubin’s Bay this summer, in order to break up the largest areas of sea lettuce.  ‘It would mean hanging on to them for a few months’ Mr Curtis noted ‘but we could just stockpile them in one of the new finance centres’.  

Roy’s page now has 83 followers.

Despite the heartache, gritty islanders from across the Bailiwick have endeavoured to brave through the shortage.  ‘We won’t let it get to us’ explained Grouville’s deputy chair of the Parish in Bloom committee ‘I’ll still be bathing in Ovaltine on the roof of my daughter’s veterinary practice come Friday evening.  And have you heard?!’ she said ‘The Culture Department are apparently flying in Lenny Henry tomorrow morning to lift morale.’  ‘So that’ll be something to look forward to’  

Enterprising Sion residents Bill and Elaine Crump donning improvised noses at Greve D’Azette this afternoon

Enterprising Sion residents Bill and Elaine Crump donning improvised noses at Greve D’Azette this afternoon

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Dump Terror: Giant mouse discovered behind La Collette fridge stockpile

Dump Terror: Giant mouse discovered behind La Collette fridge stockpile

World Book Day horror: St Lawrence father in fancy dress mix-up shame

World Book Day horror: St Lawrence father in fancy dress mix-up shame