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Breaking Jersey News is a satirical website.  All content contained within it is entirely fictional.  Whilst some of the public figures may be real, all of the stories contained within the site fictitious.

 

Dump Terror: Giant mouse discovered behind La Collette fridge stockpile

Dump Terror: Giant mouse discovered behind La Collette fridge stockpile

Appliance removal suspended at reclamation site after three operatives hospitalised by seven-foot mouse

The highly-anticipated fridge removal project - which finally got underway this morning, was called off at 11:35am after three States of Jersey refuse workers were attacked by a giant mouse whom they had disturbed behind a Beko, American-style fridge unit, nestled amongst a pile of defunct machinery.  

We caught up with Lee Bykesnatch, the man who first discovered the mouse, from his bedside at the general hospital.  ‘It was chewing an old Le Creuset braising pan’ explained Lee.  ‘I must have startled him, because he hurled the pan over his shoulder and just bolted straight at me.  I had no time to react.  And when he hit me I just flew backward against a Smeg 1986 Chill Master Deluxe.’  ‘And that’s when I broke both my legs’

In the ward next to Lee, we spoke with his colleagues, Davey Jones and Clarence Bagpoke, also recovering from the attack.

‘The first thing I remember’ explained Mr Jones ‘was waking up and seeing Clazza sprawled out over that Siemens wine cooler.’  ‘I couldn’t move my arms; I had somehow become trapped under a pile of chest freezers – and one of them was dripping something onto the back of my neck.  I think it might have been Lucozade.’ ‘Something very sticky’ 

‘It’s whiskers were like skipping ropes.’ Explained Mr Bagpoke ‘It had great gnashing teeth, and piercing red eyes.  I thought it was going to kill me.  It clattered me over: that’s when I got these lesions on the side of my face.’  ‘They’ve told me it may take up to six months for my pelvis to fully heal.’  Mr Bagpoke sighed.  ‘Although:’ he then added, somewhat more brightly ‘It’s not all bad. I found eleven hundred quid in small change before Whiskers did me in.’  ‘He then went hurtling off in the direction of Inert Waste’  

As a cordon has gone up around the whole of the reclamation area, police have urged members of the public that under no circumstances are they to approach the mouse. ‘We advise people to only undertake travel that is absolutely necessary’ explained Inspector Keith Honeydew ‘And to call our incident room immediately if they notice anything out of the ordinary, or any gnawed wires anywhere’

Armed local residents have set up on Mount Bingham and atop the incinerator in frustration at governmental responses

Armed local residents have set up on Mount Bingham and atop the incinerator in frustration at governmental responses

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Red Nose Day terror: port on lockdown after plastic nose shipment triggers security crisis

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