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Breaking Jersey News is a satirical website.  All content contained within it is entirely fictional.  Whilst some of the public figures may be real, all of the stories contained within the site fictitious.

 

Ghost of Karl Lagerfeld spotted at Jersey Hospice

Ghost of Karl Lagerfeld spotted at Jersey Hospice

Western parishes on alert after recently deceased fashion icon seen purchasing knick-knacks at rural charity store

Excitement has reached fever-pitch on the streets and lanes of St Ouen, after the celebrated German designer, Karl Lagerfeld, was spotted buying items with his cat, Choupette, in Jersey Hospice’s local outlet, despite having died over two weeks ago.

We spoke to Maureen Le Brocq, the employee who served him.

‘He seemed nice enough.’ Maureen explained. ‘Was just keeping himself to himself. I did notice how light he was on his feet for an older gentleman. Well dressed, but very pale.  One minute he was there next to the jewellery, and the next, he was right down by the electrical items.  Spooky.  And I didn’t even notice him pull the cat out from his satchel.  But that sort of thing, in itself, isn’t out of the ordinary here.’   ‘But anyway’ she said, ‘one minute it was in his arms, the cat, and the next, it was rubbing itself against an old sofa.  Mr Lagerfeld didn’t seem too pleased about that. ‘‘Choupette!’’ he was saying ‘‘Choupette!  You must step away from these dirty furniture pieces!  Achtung!’ he shouted ‘‘Choupette!  Achtung!’’ - but Choupette then just ran away and began licking herself under a glass coffee table; scratching at passers-by.  Nasty little thing, she was.’   ‘And I think’ Maureen then added sadly ‘she might have urinated in the men’s trousers aisle too….. although I can’t be sure’
We ask Maureen whether Mr Lagerfeld purchased anything.
‘He bought a Soda-Stream’ she said ‘Seasons 1 & 2 of Lost on DVD, a safari hat, a broken Clarice Cliff lampshade, three shopping trolley wheels, a vintage set of skis, and a bamboo coal bucket.  He then produced a dress and asked me how much it was. I said ‘‘seeing as you’ve taken all this other stuff, how about a quid?’’ He leaned in and whispered: ‘Mein Fraulein, you are quite the devil!’ 

As we laughed, he started gesturing more erratically for Choupette…. like he was suddenly in a hurry.

It was only when he handed over his money that I realised he was wearing studded leather gloves - and I didn’t quite know where to look.’ ‘Not the sort of thing you see around here.’ 

‘And as he went clattering out through the front door with all his things, he turned backward and told me that the dress draped over his skis was the original 1960’s Coco Chanel, worn by Audrey Hepburn in Breakfast at Tiffany’s’. 

‘Well!’ Maureen said ‘I guessed that was good thing - because he seemed extremely happy with himself: told me he’d died and gone to heaven in fact’   ‘And I only realised later that afternoon’ she said ‘that apparently, he’d been telling the truth’

As rumours abound as to the whereabouts of the enigmatic millionaire, businesses have denied accusations of ‘shameless opportunism’ levelled at them by a St Helier think-tank, despite reports Faulkner Fisheries has now ramped up the price of lobster and Diet Coke by 400%, and that Jersey Pearl was now offering ‘free stone polishing’ on presentation of any white cat.

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