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Breaking Jersey News is a satirical website.  All content contained within it is entirely fictional.  Whilst some of the public figures may be real, all of the stories contained within the site are fictitious.

 

World Book Day horror: St Lawrence father in fancy dress mix-up shame

World Book Day horror: St Lawrence father in fancy dress mix-up shame

Dad-of-three in heartfelt apology after sending son to nursery dressed as ‘Jim Davidson’ on International Women’s Day – the day after World Book Day  

Mark Robins, an exhaust technician from St Lawrence has pleaded for leniency after outraging nursery school staff in turning up at Blistering Tots day-care centre with his son, Nathan, deemed to have been dressed as controversial comedian Jim Davidson. 

We spoke to Mr Robins at his house this morning.  ‘I just got my dates wrong’ he explained.  ‘It was World Book Day as far as I was concerned.  And when I walked through the door with my boys, I couldn’t believe it.  I was the only parent that had remembered.  So often it was me and Hannah that failed to make the effort; so often it was us that shoved our children through the door and pissed off as quickly as possible.  But today it was my day.  Today it was mine and Nathan and Felix’s time to shine.  But no sooner had I started enjoying it all, the manager of the centre, Barbara, charged over and said: 

‘‘What on earth are you doing?’’  

I said: ‘What do you mean?’ 

She said ‘‘Why is Nathan dressed up?  And why he is dressed up as Jim Davidson?’’  

I said: ‘Jim Davidson?!  He’s not Jim Davidson.  He’s William Wallace’

She stared at me.

‘William Wallace’ I repeated.  ‘‘Every man dies’’ I then shouted ‘‘but not every man truly lives!’’  I then leapt up onto a box of Lego.  ‘‘Freedom!’’ I shouted.  ‘‘Freeeeeeedommmmm!’’

‘‘Please get down from there’’ Barbara said.  ‘‘And if he is really dressed up as William Wallace, why is he holding a snooker cue?’’

‘That’s his sword’ I told her.

‘‘And I don’t remember William Wallace having a side-parting’’ she said ‘You do realise’’ she said, ‘‘that it was World Book Day yesterday?’’  She then pointed to Felix.  ‘‘John Virgo?’’ she asked.

‘No!’ I said ‘Robert the Bruce’

‘‘Is that marker pen on his lip?’’

I said: ‘I’m sure it will come off.’  ‘Look!’ I then added, pointing to Nathan’s waist. ‘A tartan kilt’

‘‘That’s a Paisley scarf’’ she replied. ‘‘And it’s dragging on the floor through where Sacha just vomited’’

‘I suddenly became aware that everyone was staring at us. Felix then started crying.’

Nathan dressed as William Wallace

Nathan dressed as William Wallace

Breaking Jersey News this morning spoke to Blistering Tots staff who explained that the ginger wig Nathan had arrived with had caused him considerable distress when they had then attempted to remove it, after the duct-tape it was held together with had adhered to the youngster’s skull.

Mr Robins’ wife, Hannah, currently away on business, gave the following statement: ‘Frankly, if the worst I return to when I come back from Toronto is a bit of missing hair, and everyone thinking my husband is a moron, I’ll take that all day long.’  ‘He once left Charlotte in a French service station toilet after taking a fraudulent telephone call from a man in Ghana offering him free gold.’

Red Nose Day terror: port on lockdown after plastic nose shipment triggers security crisis

Red Nose Day terror: port on lockdown after plastic nose shipment triggers security crisis

Ghost of Karl Lagerfeld spotted at Jersey Hospice

Ghost of Karl Lagerfeld spotted at Jersey Hospice