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Disclaimer:

Breaking Jersey News is a satirical website.  All content contained within it is entirely fictional.  Whilst some of the public figures may be real, all of the stories contained within the site fictitious.

 

US team drafted in to resolve hospital relocation conundrum

US team drafted in to resolve hospital relocation conundrum

Ministers gamble on high school sleuths as local infighting worsens 

The States of Jersey have torn up the convention book by bringing in to the island celebrated American investigators, Scooby Doo and Friends, in an attempt to break the deadlock over the siting of the new hospital.    

It is understood the team have been given a ‘full mandate’ to assess which of the current proposals is best suited for Jersey’s requirements, and, if they deem it appropriate, to put forward alternative possibilities for consideration.  

Home Affairs spokesperson, Claudette Burrows, gave the following statement this morning.  ‘These guys really are the best.  They are the specialist’s specialists.   And we refute’ she said ‘the accusation by certain sections of the community, that they are ‘‘just a bunch of meddling kids’’. Mr. Doo and his colleagues have a glittering resumé of conflict resolution in their home town of Crystal Cove, and we await eagerly their findings in these matters.’ ‘They recently solved the case of the Headless Count, the Ghost of Chip Braverton, and the Spirit of the Zatari Warrior'; and have already’ she said ‘mooted the old abandoned silver mine beneath Fort Regent as a potential site.’   ‘Which is brilliant.’ ‘We would just need to ascertain’ she then added ‘who’s been lurking about up there in a ghoul costume late at night, and why there were tyre tracks found leading to the fish market’  

Despite arriving in the Bailiwick on Thursday afternoon, the gang have been limited in their success thus far, after their Mystery Machine camper van bottomed-out on the controversial new speed bump in St Mary’s village, ripping the exhaust system from its chassis, and rendering the vehicle unusable.  

It has also since come to light that Scooby Doo himself ran into difficulties at Immigration, after what Ports of Jersey staff are referring to as a ‘clerical mishap’, which saw the Golden Globe winning detective detained under the Dangerous Dogs Act, and locked in cell for five hours with Mr Bronx.  

Daphne was alleged to have been ‘up-skirted’ at KFC on Friday night, and residents reported later that evening that the team were squabbling into the small hours over how best to divvy up the floor space - and the invoice, for the two-bedroom flat they are renting in St Clement, reportedly costing them £9,000 per week.  

A press briefing held by the team in the Royal Square on Saturday morning was marred after allegations on social media began to surface that Shaggy had been, through his solicitors, seeking to exploit a 760 year-old legal loophole, allowing cartoon characters to bypass stringent residency criteria, provided they can outline - in Jersey French - to a sitting vigntenier, the working basics of the island’s historic feudal system, on an east-facing beach and a spring tide, on a Sunday afternoon.     

Coast road gift shop owner Amanda Smithenly was unimpressed at the revelation.  ‘Typical’ she said ‘Just another fancy consultant jumping on the gravy train. Well I don’t want him here.’  Mrs Smithenly slammed her till closed.  ‘If anything,’ she then added ‘shouldn’t we be keeping Fred?  He would just be a better fit for the island, I think.  There aren’t enough men around here with the bravery to pull off a neck-kerchief.  I know who I’d rather see pursuing their inquiries at the Style Awards’

Fred: snappy

Fred: snappy

Whale-gate: the truth behind Gavin Williamson's sacking

Whale-gate: the truth behind Gavin Williamson's sacking

Original Trap Door figurine sells for £1.6m at Glencoe

Original Trap Door figurine sells for £1.6m at Glencoe