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Breaking Jersey News is a satirical website.  All content contained within it is entirely fictional.  Whilst some of the public figures may be real, all of the stories contained within the site are fictitious.

 

Jeremy Kyle to spearhead new hospital radio show

Jeremy Kyle to spearhead new hospital radio show

Public outcry as controversial chat-show host awarded J-cat status 

Senior figures within Jersey Hospital have today been forced to defend their position after it was announced late yesterday that axed ITV stalwart Jeremy Kyle had been offered a five-year contract to head up a new hospital radio service.

Kyle, 53, who was left heartbroken after 14 years of The Jeremy Kyle Show, was said to be ‘elated’ at the new position, and was looking forward to beginning a ‘new and exciting chapter in broadcasting’.

Jersey Hospital’s incoming director of communications and light entertainment, Joy Burnall, described the appointment.  ‘I walk down the corridors here at the moment’ she said ‘and it’s all just so mordant.  There’s no life.  No spark.  No joie-de-vivre. We need desperately to give people something to cling to.  Give them a reason to laugh, to cry, to engage; to sit up in their beds for goodness sakes.   Are we going to get people’s heckles up? Yes.  Are we going to offend, upset, antagonise?  Probably, yes.  But, so help me god, if you don’t see an uplift in recovery times, then I’ll eat someone’s stethoscope’.

Executive producer of the new radio show is John Lloyd CBE, Jersey Art Centre’s current patron, and former creator of Blackadder and Spitting Image.  ‘It will be great’ explained Mr Lloyd ‘to get my teeth back into something edgy after the relative safety of working with Stephen Fry and Sandi Toksvig on QI. I’ve every confidence that Jeremy can cast a shining light over the island’s unreported world, with the charm, insightfulness and sensitivity that he has deservedly become synonymous for.’

Scheduled programmes include:

‘My Grouville grandfather is my brother. Mum, it’s time for the truth’

‘I operated a sex dungeon on Elizabeth Castle – and now I want my family OUT’

‘Dark side of the spoon: codeine and the nannies’ state’.

‘My public toilet shame: coming clean in Trust’

‘Help!  My boss is a people trafficker: lifting the lid on potatoes’

‘My father wasn’t from Guernsey: and I can prove it’

‘Fronting-up by crouching down: selling myself on Le Petit Train’ 

‘My daughter was a cocaine mule in San Juan: and now I want her back in JCG. Because she’s pregnant’  

Despite the excitement around yesterday’s announcement, angry islanders demand to be heard.  Sion resident, veterinary administrator and upcoming hip-replacement patient, Doug Hobnell, made his feelings clear.  ‘Outrageous!’ he said ‘If they think they can kick the construction of the new hospital into the long grass with all this twat Kyle nonsense, they’ve got another thing coming.  If nobody starts tearing down that old building and putting together a new one soon, then folk from every parish will start doing it themselves. With staves and with pitchforks!  Just you see.’

Gorilla roadblock outrage

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Boat Show arrest: detained man claims to be former US Navy SEAL

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