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Breaking Jersey News is a satirical website.  All content contained within it is entirely fictional.  Whilst some of the public figures may be real, all of the stories contained within the site fictitious.

 

Whale-gate: the truth behind Gavin Williamson's sacking

Whale-gate: the truth behind Gavin Williamson's sacking

Thar she’s blown?  PM’s bid to cover-up motive for axing Defence Secretary 

The prime minister Theresa May is today fielding calls for her to come clean over allegations that the former secretary of defence, Gavin Williamson, was kicked out of government yesterday, not for leaking details of a National Security Council meeting concerning the Chinese telecoms giant, Huawei; but for having dinner last week with the Russian intelligence agent who was discovered sculling off the coast of Norway on Monday, carrying surveillance equipment.  

‘It had all been purely plutonic’ Mr Williamson explained, when cornered by reporters after his sacking, and asked to comment on photographs circulating on social media of him sharing a seafood platter with the whale in a Soho fish restaurant.  

‘Yes, I met with Mr Petrovich.’ he explained.  ‘Yes, we shared a main course.  Yes, I handed him a box-file under the table.  But all it contained was recipes!  Nothing else, so help me god.  I didn’t even realise he was Russian.  He told me he was from Montenegro, that he had a soft spot for cathedrals, and some dirt on Diane Abbot.  This is all a terrible misunderstanding’  

Despite Mr Williamson offering to sit a polygraph test, Mrs. May last night sought to put the matter very much to bed, announcing at a Downing Street press conference that the issue was now ‘over’.  ‘I will not’ she said ‘be discussing the findings of our internal investigations into the Huawei leak, nor the matter of the whale.  But one thing I can tell you is that the evidence against Mr Williamson is compelling.’  ‘And frankly’ she added ‘It’ll be no small relief not having him around anymore.  Despite historically being one of my closest allies, it was like bumping into a cross between Voldemort and Gordon Brittas every time he went sidling off down the corridors.’  ‘As far as him sitting a lie detector?  No chance.  I know what he’s capable of’

Boat Show arrest: detained man claims to be former US Navy SEAL

Boat Show arrest: detained man claims to be former US Navy SEAL

US team drafted in to resolve hospital relocation conundrum

US team drafted in to resolve hospital relocation conundrum